I wished beer would get me drunk, I should be drunk

I'm feeling blue again.  Like maybe I should get drunk even though I have been telling friends that I am bored of drinking, and that's why I did not go out drinking with them even though I had three days off from work.

Of course all those days off from work are all unpaid so I really don't have much money to go drinking with anyway.  So maybe that is another reason why I have not partied much.

But really I think it has to do with how drinking does not excite me much anymore.  The drinking mostly kills my liver and makes me feel like shit the next day.  It does all that without giving me much of a buzz anymore.

I guess I have to drink on an empty stomach and do shots and crazy shit like that.  I can't just sit back and drink a few beers and feel nice.

That's why my drug friend says she wants to go crazy and do drugs with me, because I don't get the benefits from beer anymore.

We will be coked out and use E and then maybe I will feel better about life.  If I feel happier I can start taking my life responsibly. I know that sounds ironic, but without joy there is no reason to care about where you are going, or what you are doing in life.

If you are wondering where the post about last weeks adventure is, well... I still haven't written it.

I am not sure when I will.  I also have not gotten the essay from my friend about how much of a miscreant I am.

If he can be lazy so can I.

I am feeling to sorry for myself.  I want to quit blogging again.  Every few weeks (as every blogger will tell you) I think about deleting this project.  I can't grow the readership here even after taking the time to edit and spell correctly for you.

I have a feeling that I am less mainstream that I thought and that I don't connect to the real world in any meaningful sense.

I have also noted how stilted my writing style has become  is as I try and master on the writing style of guys like Bukowski and other minimalists.

I write sloppy.  I write too choppy.  And I can't fix my shitty writing skills.  I have been trying to do so for 7 years on this blog, and nothing much has changed.  I still have the same 10 readers.  I still have the same 100 hits a day (though now most of them arise from google picture searches for Miley Cyrus in pantyhose.)

Since my writing sucks (plus I have a wicked case of  writers block) I might concentrate on getting my podcast up to date.

I bought a new microphone for the podcast.  But the podcast provider I use is being stingy and not allowing me to add any episodes unless I keep them under 45 seconds.  

In other news:

I bought a 30 gig i-pod after my mother read a facebook post exchange between me and my brother where I lusted after his itouch.

"I'm almost a 40 year old man."  I thought to myself. "I should buy myself an i-pod, and not rely on my mommie." 

(I felt especially bad after getting an e-mail from Mom that asked me, "if I could wait till she gets her tax refund check" after I explained to her that a decked out i-touch could cost 3 or 4 hundred dollars.)

I bought the i-pod from a pawn shop because I can't afford to buy a new i-pod (touch or classic).

I feel bad about buying things from pawn shops, because I assume that people who pawn things are in a desperate situation.

The i-pod worked okay for the first few days.  It had a ton of scratches on the screen, but I was okay with that.  Because of the scratches I got the i-pod for 50 dollars (I talked em down from 60).

I noticed right away that the battery life was not great.  If lucky I might get 6 hours of audio time (the specs predict 14 to 20, but the i-pod is at least 5 years old.)

I was okay with the scratches and the shitty screen, and even with having to buy a usb connector (10 extra dollars!)

But the last straw was the audio jack has crashed leaving me with only one ear playing and when I tried watching David Harvey's class on Capital and the i-pod crashed after 10 minutes.

Can you imagine ME fixing this?  Me either!

I love David Harvey.  The longer I live the closer I come to an acceptance that my life will never be the guy listening to such a great lecture series in person, much less the one giving it.  But at least I can vicariously engage the text, class, and life I wanted because of him.

Though not with the shitty i-pod I bought at a pawn shop.

p.s.  the i-pod came with a 5 day warranty that is up tomorrow so at least I get my money back.  And I can watch his videos on my env3.  I just can't bookmark them.

p.s.s. Moral of the story?  I hope my mommy still plans on buying me an i-pod.