Because of all the trial and error I went through with sluts I know a lot about modern courtship. For instance I was once censored for sexual harassment at work because I liked to read Cosmo out loud in the break room at a public library. I know getting counseled about my propensity to sexually harass my coworkers has nothing to do with how I use beer and the fact that I had a truck with big pipes to screw unwanted women at closing time at roadside karaoke bars, but I just couldn't pass up the opportunity to tell you that I nearly got fired for sexual harassment.
You might think I learned everything I know about chicks from trial and error. You'd be wrong. I have done extensive research on women in chat rooms and flirted with tons of girls on myspace. I get a Google news alert every time some random girl posts a personal ad on craigslist. In addition, I read the abstracts from evolutionary psychology science stories on female reproductive strategies.
I've been using all the tricks of the trade that I have developed over the years to get myself laid at work, but so far nothing has really come of it. You can't say I am not trying. I speak inappropriately to young women. I make sexually suggestive jokes to all the new hires. I even bought body spray from Old Spice to cover up all that nasty 'ass smell' I get from riding the bike to work. Still no takers.
The Self Help Guide to Internet Dating:
- try and meet chicks in chat rooms
- chicks in chat rooms are easy if you know how to chat (hint: think cheesy and use emoticons)
- my best line in chat rooms was to yell out "who wants to get drunk?" most often the girl who said "me" was willing to meet you that night if you had beer and a place to get high at
- don't be afraid of getting it on with fat chicks as fat chicks are often people pleasers and by people pleaser I mean anal sex on the first date
- did you get anal sex on the first date? do not take the second date unless you want it divulged to you that fattie is a prostitute and expects to get "paid" for "all this"
- read the reply below from d-cup from the comment section
Okay, maybe you need to give up on trying to get a young girlfriend. Get married, then dumbass middle-aged women like me will totally fall for your shit. Really. Try it.Here's my plan for you:
(1)Get a (mail order?) bride.
(2)Wear a wedding ring, continue to write, maybe take up poetry and the guitar. You don't even have to sing all that well, women will tell you it's good because they want to be a singer's girlfriend
(3) Post some poetry on your blog, go out and make sensitive comments on other blogs, be charming (okay, try)
(4) Start an email relationship with some horny, intelligent, bored married chick who has some means to come visit you and not enough self-esteem to say "no."
(5) Get the best lay of your life because she'll be trying really hard to prove to you that middle-aged women can still be hot and the she still has "it."
(6) Dump her, stay with your wife who's spending you into debt oblivion but who keeps promising you butt sex every other Friday night, except you don't come home on Friday nights because now you really do think you're a singer and you go play music on Friday nights and get high and then spend the night at your fellow musician's apartment.
(7) Keep contacting the bored married, middle-aged chick in hopes that she'll continue to take stupid pills and lack self-esteem.
(8) Call it love.And no, I'm not volunteering.
Been there. Done that.But trust me, it works.