Tuesday, April 22, 2008

The Self Help Guide to Internet Dating means Romius T wants a girlfriend

Nothing ever goes my way. I am trying to lose weight so I can get laid at work. I don't like to do the things "normal" people do to lose weight. I don't like working out or watching what I eat so I decided to go on a liquid diet since most of my calories come from the liquids I consume. I stopped drinking beer. I did that almost 4 months ago; furthermore, instead of drinking a twelve pack of coke a day I am drinking a gallon of unsugared iced tea. I still have not lost any of the weight that I gained after my divorce. I blame my wife for letting me get fat during our marriage, and I blame all the sluts I met right before our divorce for convincing me that getting laid would be easy.

Because of all the trial and error I went through with sluts I know a lot about modern courtship. For instance I was once censored for sexual harassment at work because I liked to read Cosmo out loud in the break room at a public library. I know getting counseled about my propensity to sexually harass my coworkers has nothing to do with how I use beer and the fact that I had a truck with big pipes to screw unwanted women at closing time at roadside karaoke bars, but I just couldn't pass up the opportunity to tell you that I nearly got fired for sexual harassment.

You might think I learned everything I know about chicks from trial and error. You'd be wrong. I have done extensive research on women in chat rooms and flirted with tons of girls on myspace. I get a Google news alert every time some random girl posts a personal ad on craigslist. In addition, I read the abstracts from evolutionary psychology science stories on female reproductive strategies.

I've been using all the tricks of the trade that I have developed over the years to get myself laid at work, but so far nothing has really come of it. You can't say I am not trying. I speak inappropriately to young women. I make sexually suggestive jokes to all the new hires. I even bought body spray from Old Spice to cover up all that nasty 'ass smell' I get from riding the bike to work. Still no takers.

The Self Help Guide to Internet Dating:


  • try and meet chicks in chat rooms
  • chicks in chat rooms are easy if you know how to chat (hint: think cheesy and use emoticons)
  • my best line in chat rooms was to yell out "who wants to get drunk?" most often the girl who said "me" was willing to meet you that night if you had beer and a place to get high at
  • don't be afraid of getting it on with fat chicks as fat chicks are often people pleasers and by people pleaser I mean anal sex on the first date
  • did you get anal sex on the first date? do not take the second date unless you want it divulged to you that fattie is a prostitute and expects to get "paid" for "all this"
  • read the reply below from d-cup from the comment section

From D-Cup!

Okay, maybe you need to give up on trying to get a young girlfriend. Get married, then dumbass middle-aged women like me will totally fall for your shit. Really. Try it.Here's my plan for you:

(1)Get a (mail order?) bride.

(2)Wear a wedding ring, continue to write, maybe take up poetry and the guitar. You don't even have to sing all that well, women will tell you it's good because they want to be a singer's girlfriend

(3) Post some poetry on your blog, go out and make sensitive comments on other blogs, be charming (okay, try)

(4) Start an email relationship with some horny, intelligent, bored married chick who has some means to come visit you and not enough self-esteem to say "no."

(5) Get the best lay of your life because she'll be trying really hard to prove to you that middle-aged women can still be hot and the she still has "it."

(6) Dump her, stay with your wife who's spending you into debt oblivion but who keeps promising you butt sex every other Friday night, except you don't come home on Friday nights because now you really do think you're a singer and you go play music on Friday nights and get high and then spend the night at your fellow musician's apartment.

(7) Keep contacting the bored married, middle-aged chick in hopes that she'll continue to take stupid pills and lack self-esteem.

(8) Call it love.And no, I'm not volunteering.

Been there. Done that.But trust me, it works.

8 comments:

DCup said...

Okay, maybe you need to give up on trying to get a young girlfriend. Get married, then dumbass middle-aged women like me will totally fall for your shit. Really. Try it.

Here's my plan for you:
(1)Get a (mail order?) bride.
(2)Wear a wedding ring, continue to write, maybe take up poetry and the guitar. You don't even have to sing all that well, women will tell you it's good because they want to be a singer's girlfriend
(3) Post some poetry on your blog, go out and make sensitive comments on other blogs, be charming (okay, try)
(4) Start an email relationship with some horny, intelligent, bored married chick who has some means to come visit you and not enough self-esteem to say "no."
(5) Get the best lay of your life because she'll be trying really hard to prove to you that middle-aged women can still be hot and the she still has "it."
(6) Dump her, stay with your wife who's spending you into debt oblivion but who keeps promising you butt sex every other Friday night, except you don't come home on Friday nights because now you really do think you're a singer and you go play music on Friday nights and get high and then spend the night at your fellow musician's apartment.
(7) Keep contacting the bored married, middle-aged chick in hopes that she'll continue to take stupid pills and lack self-esteem.
(8) Call it love.

And no, I'm not volunteering. Been there. Done that.

But trust me, it works.

Romius T. said...

First that is the funniest comment ever and deserves to be posted i think as a reply in the post itself. You caught me in the middle of drafting and redrafting this post so I am not sure if you will read the final product. I first post and then read and then correct over and over that is until I get bored of catching all my mistakes.

But truly inspired was your comment (and obviously I have touched a nerve eh? wow!! too bad you are not offering up your service as it is hard for me to meet middle aged women in az.!

DCup said...

Glad you liked the comment. Sadly, I have some first hand knowledge on this. I'm plum out of stupid pills and have reached my maximum capacity for dumbfuckery for the first and second quarters of 2008. Check back with me after July.

YOU kill me. Even without the guitar.

Fredrick Schwartz said...

DCup! Why are you giving away all my best secrets! The ring and and the singing and the poetry! WTF? Did someone pour Republican juice in your night cap or something??

And btw you'll always have two big scoops of "it" as far as I'm concerned.



Romius?

What the feck boyo? Who's the gargess bitch in the header photo? Okay enough irish that shit makes my neck hurt. How lame is Mylie Cyrus? Well you saw the pics. How lame are we that we both blogged that lame shit? Priceless.
Your are still the king of jail bait tho'.

A round trip ticket PHX to Bangkok will cure all that ails you tho my friend.

Romius T. said...

KING OF ALL JAILBAIT

I should change my name or the name of this blog to that! Wonderful nickname Freddy!!

D-cup I will check on your refill of stupid pills in july!

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

Holy fucking fuck, what a post, what great comment by D Cup, what ideas you both have given me if I everget my fat ass dumped by my gf. Dude, this sentence should go to the hall of fame; "I even bought body spray from Old Spice to cover up all that nasty 'ass smell' I get from riding the bike to work. Still no takers."

DCup said...

Romius - Okay. And oh, man would someone shit himself if he read this post and thread. Must drop a link into tits or unglued.

Fredrick - Thank you, sugar. Sorry I gave away trade secrets! It was done in the name of comedy.

Dr. MVM - I offer these suggestions to you if ever you are Sparky-free, but not until then so hopefully never.

Freida Bee said...

Oh DCup, you totally know the way to my heart, and you knew I would totally be reading this and that I am a fat married chick who would let Romi-T (and/or Fred Ricky- that's his name) do me on the first date, (oh, and Monkey sans SParky too.)

Let this be a warning that you should watch what you wish for Romius.