Tuesday, August 04, 2009

Go for the GUSTO!

I've been blogging for five years. But sometimes I go days without posting.

I miss you when I don't post.  And I sure hope you miss me too, because your all I got.


Let me tell you what I mean.  If you were my girl I imagine it would go like this:

I come home to you after a long day from work to find you in the kitchen cooking our meal. I sneak up from behind you and I gather you in my arms.

"You want to dance?" I ask.

"Why?" You wonder.

"Don't you hear the music?"

"No." You answer. "I don't hear a thing."

"Well I do." I tell you.

And then I draw you close and I touch your head to mine.

"I only hear it next to you." I whisper softly to you.

And then we sway to the music only I can hear.

"I think you might be the perfect girl. The kind of person who could rescue me."

I think I need that.

Happy 5th Birthday Self Help Center. Happy 5 years of being "here" to all my long time readers. And a special warm welcome to any new readers.

I know that we won't ever have many readers over here. But what we share is special.

We GET each other.

Most of the time "getting it" can remain unspoken.

We get by on all the silliness of life.

But I am not crazy. I know there is something more between us. And I don't think that is the 6 pack of Schlitz talking. Nor do I think it the schmaltziness of the the episode of Calirfornication I just watched.

No. This feeling is real . It has to be. Because WE connect.

We don't worry about it. We just let it happen.

Right?

I mean I just grabbed another beer out of the refrigerator.

That's when I remembered that our fifth anniversary passed without so much as an acknowledgment from you.

You're too fucking busy I guess.

You've got other shit going on....

Now that I have cracked open this beer I think I know the truth.

I don't want to call you a liar. Maybe you meant some of the things you said. Maybe you really do "love me."

But am I supposed to think that my one ability, the "one " thing you say I am good at....I say the PERFECT thing at just the RIGHT moment...

Let you down?

I don't think so.

The TRUTH.....
is that was I never enough for you.

But you always let me believe that it was.

That's why I got my hopes up.

But you never cared how my hopes got up.

I think you thought if my hopes got raised somehow that would make me a better man. But you were wrong. It never made be better. All your delusions ever did was feed the fantasy machine I live in.

You are just a coward.

You won't tell me the truth. You are too afraid to tell me that I am not man enough for you, because you know I will run away from you.

You just love it when I tell you all the little things I am so good at telling you. You can't get them anywhere else. And you hate thinking about a life without the little moments we share.

But that's all I ever get out of you/just a few moments/and then you are gone/and I have to carry on/like some soldier/that never fights/because all I can ever be/ is your martyr.

6 comments:

Beloved Parrot said...

You ever read Raymond Carver? I think you'd really connect with his stuff. Try "What We Talk About When We Talk About Love."

Romius T. said...

I've never read carver, but thanks for the suggestion. I have decided that I am going to read folks like carver, Hemingway, Faulkner etc...as I have no roots in the literary tradition...as my writing often shows....

Beloved Parrot said...

You should find Carver in any decent library -- for free.

Personally, I wouldn't do Faulkner just yet -- unless you enjoy your brain ooozing out of your eye sockets. Kinda like reading Joyce.

On the other hand, good writers read everything, ready or not, ooozing eye sockets or not.

You might Flannery O'Connor, though, for a good taste of the south done by a master.

midwest woman said...

ironic romius, I dedicated a post to you. Not about the writing tho.People are careless with each other. But I read everything you write. Here's the deal. You can write this is sad or write something that makes me feel sad. You do the latter. And that is what a writer does.

Alecia said...

Hi! I like how you write. I'm going to have to start reading & link you.

(P.S I live in Tempe too!)

Romius T. said...

Midwest,

I just read your post and it was amazing! Way better than i have ever done on the subject!

Alecia,

Thanks. I am going to add you and trevor to my blog roll. I like both your blogs too! I have read your blog for a while just never comment on it.