Wednesday, July 08, 2009

Last night my life was a lot like a tV action series only I drink beer and shit green peanuts

The morning after I still smell like stale beer. Like a half empty can of Schlitz malt liquor that has been left open all night.

I sit at my computer in my underwear. I type into a search engine the words "Emma Watson panty slip." I look through the links for pictures. I tug at my flaccid penis until my ass begins to itch.

I go to the bathroom and wipe. I am curious to see what's down there. I look in the bowl and I see peanuts. The peanuts are covered with a moist green layer that looks a little like algae.

After I am done taking the shit I don't want to jack off anymore. So I take a shower.

My ingrown toe nail has decided to bleed out. There is blood all over my foot. I watch it run down the drain. Some of it is bright red. Most of the blood is black. It must have clotted last night when I jumped over the fence and ran to the liquor store.

We had to make a beer run last night. I outran my 18 year old BFF to the liquor store after she told me that the liquor store closes at 1:45 am. I think her large bosoms prevented her from keeping up with me.
The liquor store had police tape blocking off the entrance, though no dead bodies inside. Instead it had three guys with mops cleaning the floors.

I yelled over at the black guy who I assumed was the liquor store attendant.

"Are you guys closed?"

"We close early every night. We close at 1:45." He answered back. The man grabbed a garden hose and began to shower the area in my direction with sprays of water. I think he wants me to keep back.

"I know that." I told him. I was still shouting at him, because I wanted him to hear me over the sounds of the water hitting the cement drive way.

"I know you close at 1:45." I glance down at my cell phone. The display blinks at me. It says 1:40.

"Did you close early today?" I ask. My voice trails off. I am out of breath from the run from the apartment. I am worried that I not going to get any more beer, and my BFF just invited Lester to come over and party with us.

Lester is a redneck who wears cowboy hats. I assume rednecks drink a lot. Unless Lester is a gay redneck. Gay rednecks don't drink beer. They drink Gatorade and they offer to smoke meth with you in the bathroom. Then they argue the merits of calling nine year old boys "Manginas" vs. "ManPussy" with you.

"So you closed early tonight?" This is mostly a rhetorical question. My brain is still bouncing in my skull from the run. I just wanted to clarify the events. I did not mean to say anything to antagonize anyone.

"We close early EVERY night!"

He uses the garden hose to punctuate the ending of every word. The water leaps out in giant arcs. If the sun was out you would have confused his efforts to clean the drive way with making rainbows.

"But it is not 1:45 yet!" I tell him.

This time I meant to antagonize him. I am far enough away from him that I figure he can't get a good look at me and so he won't remember me. And if he decides to chase after me I have a good enough head start. I am fast. Much faster that I look. The 18 year old girl who ran with me to the store is just coming down the side walk. She hides in the shadows of the brick wall so as not to get caught trying to buy beer with me. Her eyes stare wide open at me. She is watching me get pissed off for the first time.

It's been a long time since I got pissed off enough at someone to yell at them. I go years without a good cathartic scream fest.

"We close early EVERY night!" He yells.

Now the guy is just trying to piss me off.

"I get that! I know that you close every night at 1:45. Only the time is FUCKING 1:40. You see?? So that's why I am asking…I mean WHAT THE FUCK… DO I LOOK LIKE SOME KIND OF FUCKING IDIOT?"

I walk off.

I turn my head and scream back at him, "WHAT THE FUCK, MAN?"

"Did you hear that, Jessie?"

"Fuck ya!" Her eyes were full of admiration. "That was awesome!" "I've never seen you go off on anyone like that!"

"I know."

We still need to get beer.

"I know another store where we can get beer." Jessica volunteers.

"Can we make it?"

"If we run."

I think she means if I run we will make it.

"Let's go."

As we walk to the next store Jessica tells me how she gets hit on by lesbians a lot. I think it's because she looks EMO when she wears mascara. I tell Jessica that I think EMO chicks are hot.

"If you weren't young enough to be my daughter…" I leave the sentence hanging.

"You would what?" She asks. "I thought you were going to finish that statement."

I just shrug my shoulders.

"When I first met you..." She remembers. "I thought you were cool. I hoped you had a son. If you did I would have dated him."

"What if he was 14?" I asked.

"We'd work around it."

I stop walking.

"Pervert!" I mock accuse her.

"I know." She laughs. "Four years. That's gross."

So I guess 20 years would not be okay then. I decide to change the subject.

"Lester is in love with you."

"No he's not!"

Yes he is.

"I can't see why else a guy would walk three miles at 2 in the morning to meet you on a random Tuesday."

We are almost to the other store. I see the lights are dimmed. The store is closed and now we will have to walk even further to the gas station. The time is 1:55. I look over at Jessica and mumble something about Keifer Sutherland and start jogging.

I need a shortcut. I see a fence. I hop over the lowest part of the fence that separates the sidewalk and the gas station. I run some more and make it to the store just as the door is about to close. The cashier tells me I have 30 seconds.

I grab the first 24 pack I can get my hands on. Busch beer. Jessica is stunned by my performance. Jessica tells me she is going to alter her facebook to add me as a hero. "For running like a bitch to get beer."

We walk back towards the apartment that Jessica shares with two roommates. We walk by a Camaro that has two hot Mexican girls in the backseat. I point them out to Jessica. I tell her that "if the girls are lesbians that will be ok because we both have Bush."

"You see I am carrying a case of Busch beer." I point at the 24 pack of beer I am holding. Then for extra giggles I point at Jessica's vagina.

She laughs and runs off to meet Lester who is walking towards us carrying a 32 ounce Lemon lime Gatorade.
Go read part 2.

3 comments:

Stephanie said...

Every time I see you I want to ask to see your toe. I like your posts lately. Quite a bit.

Beloved Parrot said...

Good!

Romius T. said...

thanks y'all!