Saturday, July 04, 2009

Happy Fourth of July, Megan Fox. Now Please Shut the Fuck Up!

What if the only thing you could own of Megan Fox was her hands? Would you do it? Would you hire O.J. Simpson to take a blade to Megan Fox's wrists just so when you were masturbating you could pretend she was giving you a hand job?

I am not sure how you would go about getting O.J. out of jail or why the service you choose to procure body parts of celebrities only allows you to buy certain body parts of famous people. But I guess I did not really think through the logic of the idea on this post.

I may not write logically, but I bet after you read my title you thought this was going to be one of those "I hate Megan Fox because she is a giant cunt" posts.

You'd be wrong, hater!

It would be easy to write that Megan Fox has gone Hollywood and become a smug, stuck up, (well, you know what.) Because like you I hate Megan Fox. I hate her for all the normal reasons we hate movie stars. WE hate Megan Fox because she is beautiful. (Except for her the freaky thumbs that is.) And I hate her because she is popular, super rich, famous, and has a life... way better than mine.

But any celebrity will do for that kind of post. I didn't really care about Megan Fox until I read this story about Megan shitting on the movie Transformer's 2.

After reading the story I could imagine her agent wanting to slap some sense into her.


"Megan don't shit on the only career you have."

After making that stink bomb of movie Transformers 2 I bet she already has.*

*I should mention I have not seen the second movie. The first movie barely got 2 stars out of 5 from me. For the life of me I could not figure how "who" was fighting "who(m)" in the battle scenes between Octogon and Pentra Gam. But I digress.

Let's look at the statement carefully before we pass judgment.

Is Megan Fox really a douche bag for having uttered this statement?:

"I mean, I can't shit on this movie because it did give me a career and open all these doors for me. But I don't want to blow smoke up people's ass. People are well aware that this is not a movie about acting."*

*I am glad to see that Megan Fox has finally decided TO ACT in her movies.

I BET you want me to call Megan Fox a "douche" for having shit on the movie that made her a household name. I think the reporter just caught Megan on a bad day, maybe the reporter from US magazine interrupted Megan while she was trying to get through a particularly difficult chapter of Hegel's Phenomenology of Mind. That book always puts me in a funk.

Megan Fox is not a douche bag. Maybe you need to understand that Megan Fox's life is
full of ennui.

The reason Megan Fox sounds so bitter is that she knows her career is already over with, and she is going to have to go back to dancing at the corner strip club, broke as fuck, because nobody told her that 30% of her salary went to management, and another 30% to taxes.

Megan Fox does not have it easy.

I am sure Megan Fox's life beats a life spent starving to death in a North Korean work camp. But when shit happens (like when you've got ACTING chops like Megan Fox, but the world does not notice them, because we are way too busy staring at Megan's delicious rump*) t
he bitterness can pile up in your colon.

*(Which is really just us trying to stay the fuck away from looking at your freakish hammer thumbs. Really, Megan, how the fuck do you leave the house without gloves?)


Dr. Monkey said...

I'd like to fuck Megan Fox with the disease ridden cock of an 80 year old man. I hate hat e hate that vinager swilling bitch.

Romius T. said...

Wow. tell us how you really feel, doc!

fairlane said...

I was going to comment, but then I realized I have no fucking idea who Megan Fox even is.

Romius T. said...

I'm just glad I was able to acquaint you with Megan and her tragic life!