Call Me

"What's it like to be from Arizona?"

I don't know.

"I'm worried that I am orally fixated."

That's what Freud would say. Not that Freud is relevant anymore. He exists. But only in blurbs in undergraduate classes, or in the used copy of Interpretation of Dreams that sits in the "self help" section of a used book store that some tattooed neo-hippy is drawn to.

"Everyone looks better with ART on them."

My face is ruddy. The sun is killing me. Making me go blind. I could fix it . I just need SPF 15, but I can't afford $4.89 for the knock off bottle of Oil of Olay.

"After work all I do is eat. I bought a 32 ounce bag of apples. I ate the bag in three days."

Karen Horney was right. The breast is bad. I have three hours to kill, but you want to sit on a chat phone line and fake it. Go ahead. Silence. It is just a form of punishment. Of withdrawal.

"Are you a Hal Hartley fan?"

Please say yes.

"Fuck yes."

What pseudo intellectual doesn't have a favorite filmmaker? It used to be easier to be a fake. Before the internet. You wouldn't know anything about that. "I need to you be 20 years older."

"So you can understand my references."

I think the Atari 5200 is shit.

"I have a conference call with the V.P. of the Communist Party USA."

I am sure the glimmer of recognition is fake.

"WHY THE FUCK DID YOU NOT KILL THIS WHEN YOU HAD THE FUCKING CHANCE?"

If you are going to say something like that. Try to plan for maximum shock value. Say it when she has no idea it is coming. Make sure she is eight or nine months pregnant. Say it when she is waving "hello" at you and carefully balancing herself down stairs while in combat boots and a pink miniskirt. If you waited and she is holding on to her belly when she hears you she may begin to cry before she is down the stairwell.

Don't bring it up again. Act as if you never said anything. Then get mad at her. Make her believe something that is an obvious lie. Keep saying it over and over again.

She will give in.

"I like the new Dairy Queen."

No you don't. But you like the new girl who works at the Dairy Queen.

"She is Uber Fucking Sweet!"

You smile and use chic nerd speak. This is disarming to most. As long as you have black plastic rims on your glasses. It will not work if you have wire glasses. That was so six years ago.