Friday, June 04, 2010
Christina Ricci still has a giant head and Miley Cyrus may be a slut, but I am going to celebrate my new reader, whomever he or she is
I just got my newest follower on blogger. That makes 26 people who read this blog everyday. I love my followers, because I am sure they are just like me. Sitting in squalor on a feces covered cushion in front of their computer with their leg hopping up and down like they are coming up on coke or meth (most likely meth as we both know you can't afford the good shit.)
So what if both of our breaths smell like Comet? Mine is mostly from this long term experiment I am running where I try not flossing, and I only brush my teeth in the morning, and yours is from mixing bathroom chemicals in your bathtub and snorting the resulting compounds.
I imagine the results you are getting from your white trash drug making are similar on the brain to the effects one gets sitting in a 91 degree apartment for hours on end. Only at least you get a buzz. All I get are sweat stains in my underwear that leak something awful on to the folding chair that doubles as my computer chair.
It makes for a smelly fucking place to be at. But what the hell? Like covering your giant forehead with bangs it seems that all my plans are doomed to fail, if not fail at least make me look like an ass that "sweats the fact" that she has a giant forehead even though half the fucking population wants to use me as their personal sperm incubator.
I don't have problems like that because obviously I am a talentless schmuck who's 40 years of laziness and stupidity have finally caught up with him, and now I am reaping what I have planted which is anything but a good time now that I can't afford Ecstasy or air conditioning.
I don't mind sucking. Because sometimes I think that not sucking would suck. If you don't suck then you have to spend all your time learning how to flaunt your adolescent sex appeal to overage perverts who get off to your muffin puff and camel toes. You can't afford to not appeal to as many people as you can possibly appeal to because you've got hundreds of people depending on you for their dinner.
I may be poor but I can afford to sit here and complain to you even though I am sure that the experts would argue against it, because anytime I start sharing my life you start getting depressed for me, and we all know how Americans hate being depressed.
The only thing Americans hate more that depressed people are people with bad attitudes or negative people with low expectations and winy cynical senses of humor that suck the life out of the party that Nero-like is somehow still going on here in America.
The place may be burning down, but we are still going to have fun. We just need to stay positive. The emperor may have no clothes. But any day he's gonna plug that mother fuckin' hole.
Either way it's all good with you. I know when it comes to my new readers that I can get away with saying whatever I want, otherwise how the hell would I have grown this motherfucking blog from nothing to over 26 readers in just under 7 years?
Bootstraps, motherfucker. Bootstraps. I got'em. And I am going to be pulling these motherfuckers up till I am sitting in the apartment on feces-less chair, texting on my Droid 2 rocking Android 2.2 and a1Ghz Snapdragon processor and feeling the cool breeze from my air conditioner pumping out at me at a chilling 84 degrees.
It'll happen bitches. And then you are going to be impressed. You are going to want me to write my memoirs, which you promised you would buy for 16 dollars each on Lulu.com, but which you won't because your roommate taught you how to steal pdf files and save them to your i-phone 4g. All because you are like some kind of Apple fan boy who never learned that i-Tunes is a bullshit hippie Nazi scam that was probably instituted by Goldman Sachs in some short selling derivative scam that is too complicated for me to explain in under 2400 words and which you have probably read about by listening to pbs' this american life.*
*All you need to know is that the Jews did it. I am sure of it. Just like the Jews keep me from getting my novel published, and busted up my the non-binding pilot offered to me from Comedy Central (all we ask is that you tone down the- antisemitism--even after the public relations disaster of attacking unarmed peace activists?---yes, but maybe you go roundabout and try masking your shit with anti-antisemitism---if I could pull off that shit, I wouldn't be working in a grocery store ass-hole!