You die sooner than you think...

"I have a hard time looking at you." I told her.

I wasn't going to look her in the face when I told her that.

"I think it's because you're pretty."

My comment has set her off somehow. She has become agitated. She scrunches her face at me. She places her arm over mine.

"The movie is going to start in a minute." I tell her. I hope that is enough for her. The movie starting. It gives us something to do, rather than talk. That way she won't look at me. Like I am some kind of space ship and she is some kind of weirdo SCI-FI freak into collecting original spacecraft from the 1970's TV show SPACE 1999.

I loved that show and I owned a space ship from the TV series as kid. It was one of my favorite toys of all time. But I don't go around collecting stuff from my past. I don't want to be a kid. I'd like to grow up one day and be an adult. I'd like to make red wine gravy, and have dinner parties where I am the 3rd most interesting person in the room.

I don't need to be the star in my dreams where I am a grown up attending dinner parties. I just don't want my girlfriend to feel sorry for me. For some reason my girlfriend always shoulders the burden of propping up my defeated ego.

"I don't feel sorry for you." She tells me.

I catch a shine or a glimmer in her eye. I think it must be love, either that, or its a reflection of light from the film projector. If they still use film projectors at the movies.

Did you know that the only thing worse than contempt is pity? How can you get even with someone who pities you?

I should correct something I just told you. The part where I said, "my girlfriend didn't feel sorry for me." She didn't say that. Even though she seems like the type that would.

She didn't say it, because she doesn't say anything at all. She's not real. There are no clumsily attractive women with appreciation of wit and "the strangeness" who toggle my head in their hands as I attempt to shyly look away from them.

All there is is real life.

Real life is boring. Real life is for people other than me. I am not sure when it happened. When real life decided that I was not to be a part of it. Real life would go about its day 'all merrily' and without a seconds thought to me and how I might feel about being left out.

I could use words like betrayed. But that's horse shit. Anyway, if you stuck around here long enough you probably figured that out on your own. So I might as well not try and fool ya.

I should come clean. Make a brand new start of it. (You know) Be honest!

I don't know how you do it. How you have all those silly thoughts in your head. Like somehow my telling you the truth about me and avoiding all the histrionics that writers tends to use is going to amount to something different or important in this world.

Maybe you think I'd be better off by being authentic with you and giving you the scoop as to me and somehow you can gleam something out of all of this. Your gonna learn a lesson here. Even if that lesson is to avoid being me. Even if the lesson means I get the short end of the stick.

I have no idea if that is going to happen. It might. I mean who am I to tell you it won't. It probably could. I am sure it is at least twice as likely to be true as it is not. But why should I be the person to tell you that?

Maybe you need to experience it for yourself. Some things need to be experienced for themselves...like furious masturbation.