Target and the Birthday Girl

Two hours before the party starts.

I decide to have a beer before anyone gets here.  To keep my  beer cold I wrap it tightly in a blue and white Dallas Cowboy's beer cozy.

I decided to have a beer so that way I would seem chipper.  I like for my guests to be at ease around me, and the best way for me to create that sense of well being for others is for me to be intoxicated.


2 hours before I wrote that.

"You should write something funny on your blog."  Leif says to me while we strummed through the women's section of Target looking for bikinis with the birthday girl.

Leif is wearing a size 7 womens jean.

"Is it because Men's "skinny" jeans aren't tight enough on you?"  I ask.

"Exactly."  He giggles as he wanders off.

I find the perfect sun dress while searching in the brightly lit aisles.  The dress is faded orange.  Something about the color suggests a meth addicts "lounging" wear to me.  Its terry cloth material would be high class white trash living.

"I want to get a meth addiction just so I can lounge around in this."  I tell to no one, but loud enough so that Leif can hear me over in the next aisle.

My find brings Leif back to me.

"I love it."  He tells me.  "I want to get a meth addition with you and wear terry cloth sun dresses and hang out at the pool with a pipe and a giant can of Raid getting baked in the sun.

I tell Leif that the sun will dehydrate him and that dehydration will only exacerbate the bug problem he is bound to get as a meth addict.

"Fuck it."  I say.

"We'll get two cans of Raid."

"Miss."  I hear Leif yelling at the girl with a generic Target red t-shirt on.  "Where can I get a big ass giant can of Raid.  I've got bugs."

The girl just shrugs at him, "That's not my department."  She says.  "This is the woman's department."  She adds.  I guess she adds that comment to emphasize that 2 men shouldn't be in the Women's department at Target fingering the bikinis.

I put my fingers through a pair of bottoms and I tell Krystal that this is the closest I have gotten to pussy in 7 years.

"Your funny, Pops."  She quips.  "You should try to be funny on your blog."


I refuse to give in to all the happy people of the world and their demand that I be happy and keep them happy.  "I don't want to be funny on my blog."  I tell Krystal.  "There are already too many happy people out there already."

"There are?"  Kristal's voice raises two octaves higher.  A couple of pregnant women walk between us.

After the women pass Leif says, "Have you noticed how many pregnant women go to Target?"

I say, "When I think pregnant women, I think Target."

That's why I buy as much stuff as I can from Target.  Also, in case you wondered about the strange guy who followed you around at Target staring at your belly.  Don't worry.  I was following you around.  I had half a boner when I looked at you too.  'Semi-erect' is the phrase I think.

You preggo women should get pissed at your husband when he tells you that it "is just your imagination,"... "that men are not looking at you in that way."

He's known all along that it's true, but he thinks that telling you it's all in you head is doing you some kind of favor.  That your not strong enough to handle the truth.  That you will miscarry over the fact that some men find you erotic.   I know better than that.  Meet me over in the changing room and we can find out how much.

But I digress.

There is a birthday party tonight and I made cupcakes.  The frosting has melted and the cupcakes look kind of sad.

I chose to use strawberry cake mix and I topped the cupcakes with vanilla frosting because only the vanilla frosting had candy sprinkles.

I have not finished my first beer.  My roommate has drunk 10 of the 24 pack I bought. I think he is going to want to hang out in the living room because when he gets drunk he gets social.  I am fearful what reaction that will cause from the rest of the party goers.

Though now that I think about it almost all the party goers cancelled.  I guess they had plans and those plans don't include birthday wishes for a friend.

That kind of thing makes me sick.  I think birthdays are a big deal.  It's the one day that is supposed to be about you.

Thought in the end birthdays end up with you being alone in the bathtub lighting candles that grandma sent you for Easter, forgetting that you are Jewish and that you don't celebrate Christ, and that even though your birthday is the same day as Easter you would like something other than Jesus candles.

For some reason you get excited every birthday when you open the box only to quickly deflate back to feeling like shit, a feeling only compounded by all the pregnant women walking around who's protruding bellies only remind you that at least one guy wanted to fuck them without a condom at least once which is more than the three of us could say (a comment best summed up by Leif when he said that) "How come everyone else has found love, but not me and you?"

After hearing Leif moan about my loves troubles and his, Kristal complained that she had not found love either.  I reminded her that I had asked her out a "dozen or more times" and that the only reason she has no one "was that I am not good enough for her."

Awkward silence.

My reply to that was that no one wanted to hang out with me on my birthday, and that I was not even invited to the pre-birthday dinner that he attended with Krystal, "Which makes me the saddest and loneliest person here."

I must have been right because there was more silence.  What followed as an opportunity for me to remind everyone that I have not been laid in 8 years.

I expected more silence, but instead Leif turned up the sound system.  "Can you feel my sub-woofers?"  He asked.  "I love sub-woofers!"