Wednesday, September 16, 2009

I'm too good for goodness sake

I don't know how to follow a post like the last post I posted. Which I guess is why I am stuck, and why for the last 5 days you have had nothing better to do than read through my incomparable archives.

Of course I have the same problem after every post I write.  Each post is always awesome, and serves a powerful purpose.

For instance I blogged:
We need the parking lot of my grocery store littered with the heads of CEO's from fortune 500 companies.

The is nothing left to say after I say it.

You might think to yourself, "That's all good and dandy, but you've got time to think about what you are saying here so that's why you seem so fresh, witty, and smart."

You'd be fucking wrong.

My shit gets lost in translation.

You should spend 5 minutes with me in person. Like the new girl at work does. My verbal acuity could then assault your sensibility.

I turn "break time" into a extemporaneous 15 minute lecture on Deuteronomy that will butter your vagina.


I know you want me.

If you are like the the pharm tech girl at my work you will sneak up behind me and rub on me when I am in line at Jack in the Box and ask me about buying REALLY BIG CHEESEBURGERS.

We go on to have one of those conversations that only happens in movies from the 1940's where the man and the woman banter* only we have dialogue that would shock Michael Savage.

see *The EXPLAINER*

The teabagger Pharmacy tech girl is colored and should know better than to listen to racists like Michael Savage, but she doesn't, so it shouldn't surprise you to learn that it doesn't even bother her when I use the term "retard baby" even though she claims a crippled son at home (I smoothed things over by making a joke about teabagging the 70 year old pharmacist.)


Glen Beck hates it when I make fun of the handicapped.

Women just need to be told.

You want me to put you in your place. You want to be muscled to the ground without the cops looking into it.

That's why I verbally place you in one of those WWF/WWE smack downs that primes your evolutionary pump for subservience.

The only time my verbosity needs to be traded for a more laconic repose is when one of the retards at work overhears my lectures on Jesus, Interrupted and gets all worked up like retards do (fuck retards are always in heat) and agrees with me when I say that the bible forbids a woman from denying a husband his marital "rights."

"That's the reason so many men CHEAT."

I did not say that.

That response was from the retard. Actually that was retard #2. Retard # 2 is just a regular person with no known mental defects (unless you count slightly below average intelligence to be a defect.) Which you shouldn't since you are probably of average intelligence and should not be making fun of people who think 6x8=44 when you think it is 46. You're closer. But you are still a fucking retard.

All I know is I got women all over my business.

I got chicks text messaging me. I got them wanting to hang out as soon as they "dump their kids." That won't happen "for like three weeks," but when it does I will slice through her vagina like a chainsaw. I promise you that.

I work on woman in ways they can't fathom.

I promise I will not bang the newbie at work. I won't bang her because she has a boyfriend. I discovered the newbie goes to school for audio/visual so I mentioned my podcast to her. Then she began touching herself under her apron. I saw it. Her eyes got all glassy. Now she can't shut up around me.

It's always been like that for me.

I have a knack for knowing when I turn a woman on. So if you think I am sexy and you get with in 3 feet of me you might as well wear a t-shirt that say's, "I'd fuck ROm." Because that little bumper sticker on your forehead is all I can see when we talk.

All that school girl shit you feel around me comes rushing back at you like the overflow from a twice used maxipad of love. I'm talking you squeak a little from your thighs rubbing against one another when you walk away.

I promise I won't make you feel bad.

I give you enough attention to let you know that I know without making it "known" that I know that you know that I know. If you know what I mean.

I'm all about giving my bitches in-heat some dignity.

*The EXPLAINER explains.*

You might think to yourself, " How does he have a 1940's type conversation with a woman from nowadays?"

The truth is I don't. And that may seem like a lie, or some kind of misogynistic line. But it's not. You are jumping to conclusions and making a logical fallacy. If you got "angry" that's because unconsciously you have simply asserted "women are intelligent and can have witty banter" without providing any proof your rebuttal is true.

Now ask yourself, "How many intelligent woman do you know?"

The average response to this question FROM WOMEN is 2.3. Which makes the odds of me actually having a conversation like the one above small indeed.

What actually happened in my conversation at Jack in the Box is just like what happened in the 1940's. A man writes the dialogue, and the woman just reads what it is written for her. If indeed the person I was talking to really was a woman.

(The more likely explanation being the "woman" is portrayed by a man just like back in the day when ol' Shakespeare was around.)

13 comments:

Steph said...

I had a truly sexy moment with your ancient Ed Begely of a pharmacist. He walked up to me when I was using the self check and asked me to show him how to use it. He was very grateful. As he walked away I pondered the fact that he distributes painkillers ect. Also. Trannies and post-ops are excellent conversationalists. Trust.

thimscool said...

How many times a day do you polish your knob?

I'm sending my mom a link to your blog...

thimscool said...

My mom says you might enjoy this link...

thimscool said...

Ah, I see that you've cut back...

thimscool said...

Your(sic) closer. But you are still a fucking retard...

How do you suppose our 1000th generation descendants will evaluate our current progress?

Pain?

I have the answer: Necessary.

Steph said...

"That's why I verbally place you in one of those WWF/WWE smack downs that primes your evolutionary pump for subservience." ...May I use this sometime? In a conversation?

Romius T. said...

Steph,

Feel free to use anything of mine (of course proper citation is welcome.)

Also glad to hear that you had such a sexy experience with ED. That's uh...yah.

Timscool,

I polish 5 to 7 times a week.
I thank you for the link, but I had actually seen (and blogged it.)

NOw to your other point,

Is it not obvious that I was being ironic and using your instead of Yourre? Even after I spelled you are a couple in the next sentence?

If so I will have to correct my usage and be more obvious.
Let me know.

thimscool said...

I suspected that your were setting a snare for me, which is why I merely called attention to you're devious trap and introduced an evanescent tangent.

thimscool said...

I see my mom groks you, but I will tell her to try harder to impress you.

Anonymous said...

i don't read but like the first sentence of each post because you are too long-winded and shit but i would totally bang your brains out under the right circumstances with proper lighting that would be more flattering to what i'm sure you look like

you disappoint me said...

I have a database of all the best drive-thru everythings in America which I normally only share with lazy and/or hungover musicians, but I'll make an exception since you seem depressed and borderline pathetic. If you knew where you could get a shoeshine and a sno-cone without leaving the comfort of your own vehicle, you'd definitely cheer the fuck up. Nothing beats foreigners kneeling on the pavement to polish your boots. (Sorry you had to read that, Thimscool, but I take a lot of abuse in my line of work and need these fleeting moments of pure, surreal joy from time to time). Honestly I just don't think Americans are good at servile tasks, unless it's a fetish, and if that's the case shouldn't they be paying me?? Also I have an idea for a new cellphone plan whereby your bill is discounted based on the volume of calls, i.e...your popularity. People would be rewarded for their ability to get along with others. Fuck "anytime minutes". I want world harmony.

Romius T. said...

anon,

I like the fact that you continue on reading the first sentence of each of my posts even knowing that the rest of the post sucks. It gives me hope. I hope we can find that lighting Or maybe I should stop eating 4 cupcakes a day and 12 cokes and lose the flab and get down to 156 pounds like my playing weight during my high school, oh shit this has gone on too long I am sure you stopped reading...

Thimscool

far to clever to fall for my trap. You are GOOD.

Youdisapoint me,

When do you give up the locations? Is it on your secret blog? How do I get a look at that?

Also does your mom have any pictures? Is she hot? Milfy?

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