Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Did you notice that I am back to posting? I teach you things about lingerie bars.

You never notice anything. Like how I am back to posting after taking a break. I bet you didn't even miss me that much until you started reading me again and then you remembered how boring your lives were and how pathetic most every other blog you read is and how you only link to those blogs in order to increase your traffic because you are addicted to the attention you think you are getting from people who stop by your site for 0 second and then move on to porn sites where they can indulge their bizarre polish girl sex fantasies.

I got invited to a BBQ today from a friend at work. The texts message indicated that no hard liquor will be consumed and no drama is allowed. I guess dinner parties for teenagers are different than dinner parties for adults. Adults like drama and hard liquor because it gives us an excuse to do the things teens do when they are sober. If I end up going to this party it will be to continue gathering my drinking experiences to put in my book.

Speaking of food, I am considering eating a sausage biscuit for breakfast even though the last time I ate one of these walmart frozen sausage patties I had the runs and a terrible case of gas. I go to work in a few hours, so I sure hope that pattern does not repeat itself, because I ate the patty anyway. I am taking the chance on a bad case of diarrhea because I spent 4 dollars on 30 spicy sausage patties and I don't just want to throw them away on the chance that the patties defrosted in the walmart freezer before I bought them, and are now simply the breeding ground for some anti-biotic resistant strain of microbe that the government planted in sausage patties to reduce the population mass that votes for Obama, because we all know black people love biscuits and gravy.

I should probably go ahead and finish the update from yesterday for you guys on my drinking last night, not that it was really exciting. I was reading one of the free magazines Palo Verde offers to its patrons instead of easy women, entertainment, or good times, and I discovered that Arizona has another lingerie bar. I was a regular at the only other lingerie bar before Mayor Phil Gordon incurred my wrath and lost my vote by shutting down the bar. In case you don't know what a lingerie bar is, a lingerie bar is a bar where the wait staff all dress in lingerie.

What is so great about a lingerie bar anyway?

Class. A lingerie bar is way classier than a nudie bar. And cheaper to boot. You don't have to pay for lap dances and the girls get to keep their dignity by keeping their clothes on. The lat lingerie bar I went to had cheap beer specials too. I remember being astounded one day when I got to the bar and saw they had new menus. I figured the bar had finally gotten around to charging nudie bar prices for their liquor. Imagine my surprise when I discovered that they LOWERED all of their prices. I love lingerie bars!


The women who work at lingerie bars are typically white trash or their ethnic counterparts. Many (if not all) of the bartenders you find in lingerie bars used to 'dance' for a living and now they are too old, too cracked out, or too dead inside to strip down for money.

The good thing about these girls is they are usually the kinda strippers that talked to you for a little before and after the lap dance they gave you, because they get how you only go to strip clubs for the girl friend experience because women don't like talking to you, on account of your policy of no showering, which I guess is good for the planet, but not so good for your prospects of getting laid.


I know that a bar that advertises sexy women dressed in lingerie feels like a place where you can stop pretending to be part of normal society and just indulge in your desire to stare at the back of the saggy and cellulited ass that is pouring you (and your only friend) a warm draft, but don't. Unless her back is completely turned to you, and in that case she will expect you to.

Otherwise it is policy of these places for you to pretend that the bartender is fully dressed and not half naked, and the reason you drove down to the bad part of town and climbed the run down stairs that take you inside a remodeled former apartment complex that now offers postal boxes, and a porn store with gay jacking booths, is because you actually like the drinking specials and sharing your time with the little community of drug fiends, pushers, homeless people with money, and the desperate losers like you who can't find female companionship.

You can always tell a novice at at lingerie bar because they look the bartenders up and down like they are at a nudie bar. Don't be a rookie. You must pretend to not stare at any cleavage until you make a crack about how everyone else here is just a loser and you can probably get a girl friend if you tried because a lot of women ignore the smell of shit stained underwear on men because that is the way their daddy's smelled.

Once you break the tension, you can go ahead and stare all you want as long as you add a little compliment to your voyeurism like, "damn girl you got a booty back there!" She will enjoy the compliment and be brought back to a time in her life when men valued her enough to give her money, and a woman with her life experience knows that money is the best way to show you care about someone.


You might not believe it but nearly everyone in a lingerie bar will be pissed off and ready to fight. Homeless people don't look tuff, but they don't fight fair. They kick and bite and have nothing to lose.

The men inside a lingerie bar are well aware of the competitive pressures they are under, because the only woman who ever steps inside a lingerie bar is the woman who works there, and that means you have to become a regular to get on her good side and get her comfortable with who you are so she does not freak out too much when you ask her out on a date.


another rookie mistake men make is getting all gushy with a lingerie bartenders because it is the first time many of them have had a woman in her underwear talking to them. just realize she is in her underwear for every guy there and she is not looking for a dude who mistakes a little nipple slip for true love

*end of hint*

Avoid one of the biggest rookie mistakes of hanging out at a lingerie bar. Don't ask your bartender out too quickly because then she will just mentally file you away with all the other alcoholic losers who visit her bar. She will dismiss your invitation as the sloppy, drunken, horny attempt it actually is. But if you get to know her you can talk to her like a real person. Remember to show up on a regular basis. Tip her generously enough to leave her feeling good without seeming like a chump who just gives all your cash away to any moderately attractive women who smiles at you. She will want to know that she can trust you will be frugal around all of her prostitute friends.

If you follow my advice then you have built the right kind of moment for you to ask her out. I would suggest inviting her to a party or invite her to do something that she likes (this requires a lot of paying attention to things she says, and is way more difficult than it sounds, as she often will say inappropriate things that make no sense, like how her therapist suggests divulging how her father molested her as a child because keeping secrets is bad, but go ahead and give it a shot.)

You could also go with the whole dinner and movie thing, but play it like you think that kind of thing is lame, but that it might be funny to go on a date like normal people. Maybe she will mention she is a prostitute on the date. Try and ignore this attempt to get your money unless you feel you are being followed by a large Porta Rican, then give her the money she asks for and your ATM card if you value your life.

Good night and happy hunting,

Romius T.


Freida Bee said...

I guess, by your advice giving, that you've had many a date with a Lingerie Model. Oooh la la. It sounds so fancy and French.

Do they have free hot wings at Lingerie Bars too?

Romius T. said...

um I teach. I teach because I cannot do....and there is no food at a lingerie bar, ever!