Thursday, June 05, 2008

My frontal cortex is shrinking and my penis is not getting any larger to make up for it

My brain is shrinking. I guess that is the kind of thing that happens to you as you get older. I was reading an article from the Boston Globe that was explaining forgetfulness and that common feeling of having something on the tip of your tongue. I think you should read the article, but I forget why. I know I should worry a little bit more about that, but I am not going to. I do remember why I liked reading this story though, it's because it helped me explain why I can't remember proper nouns anymore. Something about how the frontal cortex goes looking for things your conscious mind forgets and how as you age you lose your mind (literally) and that's what makes recalling memories so difficult.

Before I read this article I assumed it had something to do with the dental work I had done on me a few years ago. Back when I had health insurance, the first thing I did was to have all my molars removed and replaced with some kind of toxic mercury compound. I never understood why mercury was considered toxic to humans except when you placed it in your teeth, but my dentist was a rather cute petite Asian lady who meant no harm.

I have lots of things to worry about other than my growing senility, like just how I am going to keep my ass under 215 pounds. I decided I needed to have a plan even though my plan in life has always been against having plans. I decided to be against plans after I read a few 'alternative' history books about Adolf Hitler and how he should have waited to attack the Soviet Union. According to all those alternative histories if Hitler never opened that 'second front' in the war he would have won WW II and then we'd all be speaking dutch or whatever Germans speak. Right then and there I decided that having a plan for anything was as bad an idea as a winter assault on Moscow. Bad.

All that is to say that I am going against my previous position and ban on plans by deciding to have a "plan" to join a local gym. The only way I can afford to join a gym is by cutting back on some of my expenses, because unlike the government I don't operate two sets of books, just one and that book says I am broke and the gym I am thinking of joining likes to make sure they stay profitable by refusing to let you cancel your membership. I figure I better darn well be able to afford joining the gym or I will end up paying hundreds of dollars I can't afford to my bank in overdraft fees.

I am not sure that joining a gym will really get me skinny. I think not eating does that. But at least you have to admit that you never saw this move coming. I like to do that to you. Set you up for something and then give you the opposite. I do that because everywhere else in your life you have trained the people, corporations, government, family, pets and Tivo to give you exactly what you want, when you want it. Well I won't do that for you. And it shows you just how low your self esteem is that you keep coming back for more.

Romius T. (AKA Mr. Buff_)

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