My online activity consits of adopting Kerry Howley, not watching kiddie porn. Kerry might be famous, but I own her butt on Google.

I went to the library today to blog about my favorite adoptee Kerry Howley. I felt I needed to justify to some new readers* why I cyber stalk E-list** celebrities. I need to justify my stalking because I don't want certain readers to know exactly how creepy I really am.

Speaking of creepy, I know getting the word out about Kerry Howley through my blog is difficult. In no small part to the good folks at Google, who deemed it proper to lower my page rank a while back. I figured a lower page ranking would preclude me from furthering the career of any of the near celebrities I choose. I was wrong. If you Google "Kerry Howley" you will find my post ranks fifth. Dear Kerry, I own you now. At least on Google. I suppose you will now have to start answering my e-mails. And you will probably have to make me head of your fan club or something.

But today's problem with blogging had nothing to do with my lowered page rank and everything to do with the "robbery" of a cell phone I witnessed at the public library computer station I am working at. After the robbery a security guard tapped me on the shoulder and asked me to put my computer on " lock down" and "follow him upstairs."

Two cute girls, their jaws wide open and eyes bugged out, watched me all the way out the door. I am sure they were convinced I must have been viewing kiddie porn. But it just ain't true. I never view kiddie porn in public. That's just stupid, your just asking to get caught by viewing your porn in public! My "crime" was noticing that a rather large chested woman had walked off with a cell phone that wasn't hers. Now the cops are chasing after the largest chested thief in history, and I will have to go upstairs to view a lineup and make an I.D.

I used to work at this library and so my former boss and workmates saw me getting escorted upstairs by a park ranger. They must have assumed I had finally decided to use the Internet to look up how to blow up Hoover dam or something. I don't need the Internets for bomb planning. I have a friend who can teach me things like that. He was in the Army. And he might be half-crazy, but blowing up Hoover Dam would be child's play for him.

After making the I.D. I walked back to the computer to finish this post. A little later the park ranger returns. This time he shouts at me that "a police officer is coming to speak to you." Nice. No way these 18 year old girls are going to sleep with me now. You may want to ask me what does all this trouble creating this post have to do with blogging about the awesome Kerry Howley. Nothing at all. And you have no one to blame for that, but the Fascist Police State we live in.

***

UPDATE

The cops found the cell phone in her back pack. Once the kid got his phone back he decided not to press charges. All this CSI investigation for nothing. Only now I have to watch out for huge breasted women who type MySpace messages at the public library. I think I've created an enemy.

UPDATE II

Never ask a cop how to spell Fascist just because blogger's spell check is down. They get upset.


*The price you pay for following him through reading my blog is ...well...reading my blog.
** Kerry, I don't think you are E-list. You are totally an A-lister in my book!