Tuesday, November 20, 2007
I get a hug from a girl
I'm a cashier. I spent yesterday and today checking out your groceries. Asking you for your value card. And trying to remember the difference between acorn squash and butternut squash.
Not much else has changed for me since I was moved from the customer service desk to cashier. But my sudden move to cashier has had benefits. I now get hugs from the hottest 17 year old bagger you've ever seen. I don't know why, or what I did to deserve it. But she walks up from behind me and says hello and then starts to awkwardly hug me.
Maybe she wasn't the awkward one. I was. I just stood there frozen the first time she hugged me. The second time I got a hug I was getting off work and she hugged me goodbye. I put my hand around her back on the second hug. She's so skinny I can feel her ribs. Feeling up on a 17 year old girl's skinny rib is as close to second base as I've come with a girl in 4 years.
Before her shift today I got another hug again. She surprised me this time by coming up from behind me and placing her arms around me. This time it really was awkward, as I have been farting all week. Not only have I been farting, but my ass has been smelling. My ass normally smells because I have to ride a bike to work every day after I take my morning dump. So today I decided to skip the morning shit and try holding my shit in all day. But my colon must be leaking, because I stank like shit all day anyway. I get a whiff of shit smell every time I turn around quickly, like when some strange, hugging hot chicks place their heads on the back of my neck and squeal at me.
All this hugging must be a generational thing. All the girl baggers and teen cashiers at my store are all so sweet and cute. They talk to me and say hi. It's like being back in high school, only this time I am kinda popular. I don't mean captain of the football team popular, but I get invited to the parties, and I can sit at the cool kids lunch table. So I take back all the mean things I say about Generation Y, because I am really pissed at all the girls I went to high school with. You never said hello to me in the hallways. You couldn't bring yourself to acknowledge me except in the library, and only when no one was looking at us and you needed help with the card catalog.
So I don't need you old chicks anymore. I am going to buy all the courtesy clerks at my work a ton of alcohol. I'm gonna watch them get drunk and film themselves and put their silly self-conscious videos on you tube. That's me in the background waving at you. Red faced and drunk my beer belly and smelly ass stuck in a bean bag I can't get out of. Pass me another beer, dude.