Live Blogging my day off. I join the Kerry Howley fan club over at the Activity Pit

I'm working on me. Last night I bought a bunch of eye cream that will take away all the dark circles under my eyes. That way I can still stay up all night creating this awesome blog for you and I can still look beautiful for my new girl friend (you can call her the girl I am stalking) Kerry Howley.

I am not as lucky as Fredrick Schwartz. My girlfriend is not an ex-hooker. And I don't eat "lox and bagels for breakfast."

I eat Little Debbie 6 packs of mini donuts for breakfast. Each 6 pack is deliciously fortified with 35% of my daily intake of saturated fat. With Little Debbie mini-donuts there is no need to run around looking for ways to get all your daily saturated fat. Just scarf 3 packages down for breakfast and your done. I say fuck dieting. Let's get as fat as the fat man.

I imagine this is how Kerry would look over Sunday morning breakfast of Little Debbie Donuts and the Sunday morning paper. I am sorry for using this picture Kerry. Forgive me?

I suppose it is no wonder that I don't have a girl friend. All I have is my adopted actor Kerry Howley. Kerry Howley is my idea of one hot woman. I love to watch the Fox News TV show Red Eye and I knew as soon as I saw Kerry on the show I would have to join Kerry Howley's fan club.

I just hope Kerry Howley remembers me. We chatted twice by E-mail and here is my chance to pay her back. I will flood her fan club with my visitors.

Go visit the Kerry Howley Fan Club at the Activity Pit.

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Sir Frieda Bee has posted a response to the Zombie Jesus teXt message I left her.

It's just plain silly to see an Angry Lesbian like Frieda Bee get pissed off at me for calling her, "sir." That's like Peppermint Patty getting pissed when that little lesbian Marcy called her "sir."

Speaking of being pissed off at me. I am a little pissed off at myself for skipping ahead of the Peanuts day-at-a-time calender we have at work.

I skipped ahead 20 days on the calendar reading a cute story about Charlie Brown winning a prize for a drawing that Snoopy actually drew. I just figured out in this blog I am Charlie Brown, and that means you can stop reading this thing, because I haven't invented a new type of hero, I am just borrowing badly from the best loser ever crafted .

Sir Frieda, like Peppermint Patty, loves her some Charlie Brown but is in no way an actual bull dike like Patty's pal Marcy. I don't get how nobody figues Marcy for a dyke in the cartoon, but everybody thinks Patty is Lesbian just because she doesn't like showering or shaving and she has a mean fast pitch softball arm.


6:00 pm

I got home and turned on the NetFlix. I watched a movie called Little Children.

8:00 pm

I get a phone call. My ears bleed for 3 hours. But the blood was worth it.

11 pm

Poker night. I am down 170 dollars at one point and buy in for another 100 dollars. I catch a straight flush holding 5 and 9 of clubs on the river and make a big score and I get awarded 50 bucks for getting a straight flush. I end up 16 dollars for the night!

4 am

Home to bed. I forget to create a podcast or write the rest of this post and I don't have a text message from zombie Jesus ready, my bad....

A Zombie Jesus teXt message

A Zombie Jesus teXt Message continues the story of FLo Jo, Zombie Jesus, and El Caminos from Sir Freida Bee.

Zombie Jesus
so sorry
me love you
long time
not like u
flojo

u no love me
no mo
'gone and got ya
a boy friend

leff me
all high and dri
left yo' babby daddy

you used to call me
babby daddy

even tho'
all them chillin's
was never mine
not one of them buns
in your oven
was my seed

leff me cryin
oustide yo' house
in my shoes

I cry in my Helio
typeing messages
u never read

cuz I so sad
and
lonely
just a beat ol man
who got no use leff in 'em

so out you go
closing the sceen door behind ya
with a whack
driving off in that
old el camino

I sit jibber jabbin
making no sense
counting the ways up I love you
counting for days for sure

I'm still sittin'
here in prison
and trying to wrap my head around it

why you shot me that day

I remember
the good ol' days
when use
loved me

when all use did
was shout out to the preacher man
my name
and I came back to ya

wanted to show you my scars
wanted to tell you
how it sure hurt
up on those crosses
how i wished
you'd tear 'em down

I's as rich
as a poor man
can be
and I aint got no el camino
to drive you off in

and
I guess all
yo' kids and chillins
would be wearin
some old hand me downs
if we moved in
together

but somtime
I bet you think
about how'd
you's wash my feet
and tell me
you thoughts my
feet was nice
and how normally feet "turn you off"
but not mine

I still hate you gettin that abortian
though
Cuz I love to see you and
your big belly
and I love how
the milk starts dribbiling out
a few months
in to your expectin'

and weren't you
gonna keep me up to date
on your titties?
and how they got some brown in 'em again
now that you was pregnant again
just cuz you hate having them brown titties
is no good god damn reason
to go getting that baby cut out o' ya

I swears
I was so mad
I was seeing red that day
I was goin' to learn ya a lesson
I was

I tole ya
I dont mind
another man's seed in ya
I get off on it
and I like banging ya
when I know ya's preggars
and stuffed
by a big dick

I sure dont know
why
I was born
so small

but i never heard
ya complain

my little plan
was to let ya fool around on me
I wanted to catch ya in the act
and jack off
peepin' thru the door lock
thas all ruined now

and I sit
away
in
prison
singing
blues
about how I got no one

but you sure enuff
got someone
cuz u always finda way to get some
yous a bit of a fluesy
like that

and di ya notice
I skipped the c word?
I wasn't gonna
but ya get pissier
than the devil
worked up over apples
whenever I use that talk

o babymamma
Ima call ya that...
babymomma

no matter about that abortion
no matter that you got his
picture up on your myspace

i knew
when i bought
you that helio

that
it would cum
to no good use
just plasterin'pics of u 'n him
all kissy faced

that sure sparked me
got me all fired up
made me run to get my shotgun
made me find you
hoarin' it up at
hooter's

I took care of em didn't i?

write me back Flo Jo
I miss u
and its cold
here
and can you send me some money
for the prison cantina?

all i get is
bologna sandwhiches
im so sick of baloney
baby

I miss u