Thursday, May 05, 2011

Cinco de Mayo and the curse of humanity

Happy Cinco de Mayo!

I have blogged before about Cinco de Mayo.  If you haven't read that little treat I suggest you do so!

I am going to celebrate Cinco de Mayo tonight with some friends from work.  A bunch of us are getting together at a local Mexican bar and eatery to eat tamales and drink margaritas.

I don't get to drink yet as I am still taking a powerful antibiotic that prohibits me from drinking alcohol.

So I am going out to a bar and not drinking and hanging out with a bunch of people I only know because I work with them.  I think I am turning into my idea of my dad from the 1970's.

I am not even sure I like these people.  Most of them are too young, and too stupid to talk to in anyway that goes beyond shop talk.  Making fun of customers and complaining about our crappy hours, pay, and benefits.

I stopped making friends years ago.  That's not true.  I never really started making friends.  In my whole life I have only made like 6 or 7 friends.

I don't count most of the people that most people count as friends.  I think friendship goes deeper.  Friends are family.  And if you are not family then you are not a friend. You are an acquaintance. Not that there is anything wrong with that.  It's just seems to me that too many people conflate the idea of acquaintances and friends to me.

I'm getting old and making new friends is too hard.  My old friends from high school don't talk anymore.  We've known each other for more that 20 years, but we have all grown apart.  We all live our separate lives.  Some of us have families, others of us have shrunk away from going outside, some of continue on partying like we are 20 year olds. (Sometimes partying with 20 year olds!)

So what happens in ten years when I am too old to party?  When my age starts being the only thing people notice about me.  "Who's that?"  --"Oh, you mean the old guy?"

I'm not sure.  I think as we age we grow apart from the world.  Men at least do.  We have trouble maintaining relationships and nurturing them. Already I feel myself going down this path.  The internet and connectivity of the social networks filling in the gaps, but not providing any real substance of human connection.

I guess it's important to disconnect from the world so that leaving it doesn't seem so painful.

I remember my youth.  When things seemed fresh, new, powerful.  Feeling would rise up in me.  I wanted to conquer the world.  Now I want a comfortable chair and something good to watch on TV.  I want at least one more Super Bowl for the Cowboys.

Is this really all there is?  I am so terrified of dying, but as soon as I feel a bit better the old dread of my life as a stale piece of carpet comes flooding back in.  I remember that I don't enjoy anything anymore.

Oh well.

There is something growing in my testicles.  I guess I will have to have that checked out.  It might be causing all the problems I am having with my bladder, the painful urination, the difficulty in peeing.

I probably have ball cancer, or prostate cancer.  Some kind of cancer.  Because the antibiotics aren't stopping the diarrhea.  They aren't stopping the the crazy colors.  And I forgot how I have had week shits for years.  I forgot how my bowel movements have been changing color with the frequency of a kaleidoscopic.

It won't be just some microbial  infection, because things never work out easy for me.  I'm not complaining, really.  I am resigned to it.  I had a pretty good run.  My life was a hell of a lot better than most who have ever lived.

It's when I think about that I get really depressed for humanity.  My god.  What a curse to be human.


Chris said...

How about something positive for a change. Life is what you make it. Don't be afraid to dye. Just hope it doesn't hurt.

Romius T. said...

It was my intention to write something positive on this 1 but it didn't work out