Monday, April 04, 2011

I blog again. I bet when I don't it feels like someone vomited a bucket of boredom into your skull. Also, I add some grocery store etiquette tips to make this thing worthy

I'm holding in a shit while I type this.  Nothing new there.  If you don't hold in shits they get all over the place.  With my weak bladder and my AIDS infested liver I leak shit like your paraplegic boyfriend does.

Though at least he has someone that will change his colostomy bag, all I've got is a girl who texts me to ask me the name of the author she forgot I told her.  Poppy Z Brite is the answer.  And she writes vampire novels, or at least she did a few years ago,  now she writes cook books or something set in New Orleans.

If I have a crush on you I will stop everything I am doing an reply to your text message.  You should be fucking grateful, but I doubt you are.

Here's a idea for you the next time you find yourself in a grocery store standing in line at the check out counter:

Finish your shopping BEFORE you get in line.  People, I really hate it when you just wander off to collect that gallon of water you forgot to purchase even though water comes out of your tap for free.

I have a few more rules for you even though I know you think the rules don't apply to you, which is why you are pushing a cart full of groceries through the express lane and making jokes at me.  At least you are trying to calm my anger.  That's a good thing.  I think you can tell that I am close to losing it, and you might be the thing that sends me off the cliff.

If so I guarantee I will find you outside when I bring the AK 47.  You better damn well believe that I will blow your fucking head off.  I hate people who think the rules apply to everyone else but them.  But you have always been like that haven't you?  That's why you masturbated in your girlfriend's yogurt.  Just to show her who's boss.  Nothing sicko.  You just needed to convince her that your the dominate one in this relationship.

Here is my second request.  Learn to fucking count.  If you can't learn to count use a calculator,  if you are too lazy to count or use a calculator you forfeit your right to question the addition properties of the register (which is a fucking counting machine yo.)

I promise you 5 + 2 + 1 = 8

I don't give a fuck if you don't believe me.  You are not entitled to an "opinion" about what constitutes a number.  8 has a objective reality that exists outside your opinions.  You owe me 8 fucking dollars, now pay up or get the fuck out of my line.

A lot of cashiers can't count.  So if you see the pretty little girl's face squish up in a manner denoting perplexity then go ahead and be confused together.  But I assure you the machine does not ADD incorrectly.  If the prices on the products you purchased reflect accurately then I assure you the machine has ADDED them correctly.  Never seen the machine add 2 and 3 and get 6 like you.

It should be noted that I can add however.  I am bald, ugly, fat dude.  So you can bet I have seen every episode of the original Star Trek series, that I gush over women who wear Princess Lea buns in their hair, that I haven't been laid in 5 years, and that if we are talking Mathematics below finite that I am pretty much know what I am talking about.

I can do multiplication in my head. Yeah!  That's right asshole.  My head is like the calculator function on your cell phone that you refuse to learn how to use.  Some guy took the time to teach your phone to do all kinds of tricks that makes it way more smarter than you and yet you fail to learn to use something that could make you way smarter looking if you used it.

Here's another tip.  Look in your wallet before you buy stuff.  See how much money you have.  Did you bring money?  Do you know the password to your Food Stamp card?  I know why don't you wait until you are in line with a bag full of steaks, kool aid, and beer before you call your fat white girlfriend with the big ass and 3 kids from 3 different dads to ask her what the pass code is on her her EBT Food stamp card that I pay for with my taxes.

I can't remember the last time I had a steak.

I find that to be bullshit sometimes.  As fucking liberal as I am.  I can only imagine what the conservative assholes in line are thinking.  Something like "at least buy a fucking condom with some of that cash."

"No, you cannot buy beer with food stamps asshole,but yes you can buy regular stamps."

--And no you can't buy regular stamps either, Jesus.

1 comment:

robert said...

I do agree with this. I can't stand it when I see some chick who has pumped up multiple kids and working some part time job get 400 bucks of whatever she wants each month for free. And they have those cards now because people 'felt' bad because they were being made fun of. Insane. What happened to the good ol' days when all you could buy was that shit cheese and that's about it. Man, plus that chick with the kids isn't paying dick in taxes. Ugh. I once dated a girl who kept trying every month to get on food stamps with her one kid that she didn't even have custody of. That relationship didn't last long. Enjoy the site, man.