Blood, Sweat and Anxiety

I should change this blog from the Self Help Center to the Helpless Center for contracting MRSA and Anxiety.

I am currently battling a vast infestation of bacteria which has left a rather striking gap in my upper side of my calf.  I've been taking all kinds of antibiotics.   I have been having all kinds of terrible syndromes from them.

Back around the 12 of April I saw a small red bump on my leg.  Within a few days I was walking in terrible pain.  I stuck it out for a few days at work, but the redness got so big that it scared me.  Also the pain standing on my feet all day as a cashier gave me another incentive to finally seek medical treatment.

I have insurance through my job, even though it's not great insurance it offers me the opportunity to get seen.

On the 15th I went to the local clinic by my work.  They treated me, but because the P.A. did not have the tools to do open the wound and drain it, she simply prescribed some antibiotics and suggested treating the infection with warm towels.

I followed her directions, but a couple of days later the infection was getting no better.  I decided to go the ER because I don't have a primary care physician.

At the ER I was greeted by a dismissive nurse who wondered, "Why are you here?"  But the nurse that cleaned my wound and the P. A. that drained the infection were really kind and professional. I was given some iodine and told to soak the wound 3 times a day.

Two days later on the 20th I went back to get the infection checked and have my packaging removed.  I was ordered to get a second, smaller package inserted inside the infection and ordered to take another antibiotic.

I have separated out the course work of antibiotics from this timeline because it deserves it's own treatment.

I took Bactrim on the 15th,  within 3 doses my neck was very stiff.  I had back pain, terrible headaches, I decided to go back to the clinic and get the antibiotics switched.

On the 18th  I was placed on DEOXy Hyclate.  A terrible drug for me as well.  Nausea, loss of appetite. In addition I began to have nerve damage.  Tingling, and burning sensations on my right arm and leg.  Terrible headaches, migraines   Photosensitivity. I had closed and open eyed hallucinations.  

My doctor chastised me for being upset about "yellow diarrhea."  A little diarrhea is not so bad, I was told how I had a serious infection and that there were very few antibiotics that these infections responded to.  In addition to the DEOXY I was prescribed CIPRO.

I decided to go back on the DEOxy hoping that the nerve damage would be temporary.  I began experiencing tinnitus as well increased nerve damage on the 21st.  I was taking benadryl for some rashes that the antibiotics were giving me.

On the 22 nd I went back to the clinic and was told to just take the cipro as I believed it offered fewer side effects. I had a yellow tongue and some considerable lower back pain which I now identified as coming from my spinal cord.  It might also be a symptom of an intestinal infection that I caught as a secondary effect of the antibiotic work ion my good bacteria.

Of course it is hard to say when one symptom showed up as a result of the antibiotics.  It is possible that the lower back pain has come from me sitting all day.  It is also possible that my anxiety (which has gone through the roof throughout all this is partially responsible for some of my internal subjective experience.

Things I know for sure.

I have had diarrhea, nausea, loss of appetite.  I have had migraine headaches.  I have become sensitive to lights, I have had trouble focusing, a general cloud and fogginess over my brain.  I have tingling and burning sensations in my lower extremities and my right arm.

None of those symptoms are result of fear and paranoia.  I can't say for sure which of the drugs gave me which.  But I am betting that Bactrim and the DEOXY reacted against me.

MY anxiety is so bad right now that I can't go more than 5 to 30 minutes without getting a head rush.  My head then sways to the left or right.  I get pins and needles in my brain.  Brain Zaps like when one stops taking Effexor.

I am also coughing.  I have a runny nose.   No fever.  When I cough ( a new aura) I get the convulsive movements.  Sometimes both of my feet "jump" in opposite directions.  I have stereotypic movements.  I was walking around in circles.

I don't know if that is epilepsy or withdraw from the Ecstasy that I haven't used in two months.  I have heart palpitations.  Severe anxiety.  I focus on death.  I think I am dying.  I image that all my symptoms must mean that I have liver or renal failure.

I have a  crappy headache right now.

I think I am leaving out something.

I haven't even mentioned the myriad of other ailments that I need to get checked out soon.

But I am most concerned to see this infection go away.  (IT LOOKS LIKE IT WILL)

Next the seizure like symptoms that are associated with my panic attacks and anxiety.  If this can't get fixed soon I will crack.  I can't go on with all the dread living inside me.  I need to get it fixed soon.

I am seeing a psychologist and psychiatrist when I get back from Vacation.  (YA I AM going on vacation, can you believe that?)  Mom is flying me out.  I have spent all week off work dealing with all this.   I can't wait to get off the antibiotics.  I need a god damn Valium or something.

I am worried the CIPRO will cause me to have difficulty breathing.

I realize I am awful when it comes to dealing with my mortality.  I can't handle the prospect of dying.  Hopefully all this gets settled soon.

Back pain still is here.  So are the headaches.  So is the anxiety.  Numbness and tingling in my arms and legs is less painful.  But still there.

I will be getting a PCP when I get back.   I have one picked out.  I am happy about this.

I called the drug/mental health hotline at my work to get a number for the shrink I will be seeing.  I cried on the hotline telling her all this.  (Just the mental health stuff.)

I guess I am depressed and lonely too.

But who would date the mess I just described?

I wished I could just be held and told it will all be okay.

I'm sorry for being weak like that. But I guess I really am.

Some people will take a look at this and say.  Geez it was a fucking infection.  Get over it.  MRSA happens all the time.  I get it at the gym 3 times a week.

I understand your sentiment.

I just lack strength.

I am useless like that.

No one will me miss me when I am dead anyway.

I am very thirsty.  I am going to sleep now.  Good night dear friends.