At the end of the road is the guy you left vomiting in the toilet stall all by himself

And he gets all mad at you and says things like:

"Hold my hair back."

"Why didn't you hold my hair back?"

"I can't believe you didn't stay with me while I puked on you, and I can't believe you didn't hold my hair back as I puked into that smelly ass toilet."

"Why did you bring me to this shit hole dive bar?"

"Is is just because you want to score with the fucking EMO chicks?"

I remind Leif there is no such thing as a 30 year old EMO chick.

"There are only 30 year old hipster chicks, or fastly approaching 30 year old hipster chicks."

The only EMO's I know are 14 year old girls.

Splashing sound.

I am holding his hair back as he pukes.

The sound I am hearing is like the sound you hear when you pour a pitcher of kool aid into a bathtub. Only the purple splashes hitting your feet in that case would not frighten you.

Leif says, "Are you holding my hair back?" His hair is full of puke.

"I am holding you stupid fucking hair back." I tell Leif.

I tell Leif. "I am keeping your highlights from getting damaged by the powerful stomach acids that are shooting out of your throat."

Leif is drunk. Leif is deranged. Leif insists I am not there. Leif is angry that I left him puking his guts out in the stall of The Tailgate Bar.

Leif has never been to a dive bar. Leif wants to know if he is pretty. Leif wants me to be his pimp.

I tell Leif that all that puking is going to make him thin. I tell Leif that I wish I could puke like that. Then I would have tight abs like he has. I tell Leif that the $10,000 dollars he has been offered by the GENTLEMAN is not enough.

"You are going to be rich and skinny forever." I tell Leif.

I need to get some cocaine. All this hand holding is getting on my nerves. I'd rather be drinking what's left of my beer. The dyke lesbian bartender in the other room is probably pouring my beer out as we speak.

"I look like shit." Leif slurs. His throat is dry and course from all the puking.

I have no idea when my puking sympathetic reflex is going to kick in.

"Your fucking sexy, Leif." I lie to him.

I tell him how I have a semi hard on and I suggest that he make a grab at my dick if he doubts it.

He says it would make no difference.

"Your cock's too small to know the difference." He says suddenly feisty.

I let go of his hair and his head hits the porcelain lid of the toilet and bounces off it. I catch his head before it hits a second time.

"Shut the fuck up!" I scream at him.

"My cock is big enough." I tell him.

Leif is suddenly sorry. Leif is sobbing uncontrollably.

"You've got to pull yourself together man." I tell him. "I am not going out there with you if your lipstick is all smudged up."

"I thought we were friends." He says.

"We are." I tell him.

"I'm gonna take care of you." I say.

"Who do you think is gonna drive you home?" I ask him.

He looks up at me.

"That's right."

"Me."

I'm risking 6 years in jail. I have 4 or 5 DUI's. All depends on the way you want to count them.

"I am going to drive through Tempe drunk as hell." I say to him. The cops are everywhere I am sure.

"First we are going to pick up Krystal." I tell Leif. "Then we are going to get some WhataBurgers."

"We have a plan." Leif sighs, relieved.