Tuesday, February 17, 2009

I am too lazy to blog.

I am giving up on this whole blogging thing for a while. I might write and I might not. Just like "LIFE" it is all up to me. And just like my real life my fake online life is failing. That's because just like in my real life, my online life is wearing me out (and beating me down.)

Real life sucks for me and I just can't devote the energy or enthusiasm I would like to writing a blog that no one reads or cares about. I guess I should just make this blog private and that way I could write for me and I think we'd all be better off.

I hate how bloggers are always threatening to stop blogging, and I am not going to be one of those bloggers that holds a knife over your neck in order to fish for compliments. I just wanted the VERY FEW loyal readers to know that I will be posting infrequently until I decide I want to post more often.

Not that you missed me. I know the last month or two has been shitty on this blog. I haven't been able to meet even this blogs low expectations even with all kinds of stuff going on to blog about.

  • NBA legend Otis Thorpe played poker with me and bought me a cap and signed it. Otis is a class act and a real gent.
  • I've been stood up on 2 dates.
  • I had a car accident. And since I have a 1,000 dollar deductible and you can bet I am going to be driving ghetto for a while.

Those are just some highlights from this last week. So you can see stuff has been happening.

I had this elaborate story about getting stood up- but now that I have finally sat down to type it out- I can't remember it.

I have started 3 or 4 posts this month, but they sucked so bad that I gave up on them and I haven't been able to write since.

My ingrown toenail is still not healed. I realize I am fucking ghetto. I need to go to the doctor, but I also need to pay my taxes, get my car fixed, buy a new computer, and go on a date this year.

I see roughly none of that getting done.

I want to thank the guys at Hell's leading newspaper for giving me a visual link. I know Pain said he is waiting for part 2. Part 2 sucked. I just waited in a bar. Then I got a text that cancelled. Then I never heard from her again.

I guess I am ugly. I am not sure when that happened. I mean I have never been good looking. But I was never as ugly as I am now. I am just getting old and fat.

Speaking of fat I was looking at some pictures of me that a few friends put up on the MySpace, and by friends I mean people I work with, and by people I work with I mean a bunch of 18 year old kids. I hang out with kids because that is exactly where my career is at. I have to hang with them because I am on the same peg as 18 year old kids with no education who are just starting out in life.

Like I said I was looking at the pictures and I noticed how fat I am. Jim Belushi fat. I must have some kind of disorder because my face looks fatter than the rest of me. I might have some kind of infection in my throat or nodes or whatever they call it, because I can feel how swollen my tonsils or nodes are when I press my thumbs under my jaw.

They puff out and make my face swollen. Its really disgusting to look at, even more disgusting than my fat belly which I can hide by sucking it in when I am standing up. But not when I am sitting down.

I think sugar has something to do with it. Whenever I drink soda my face puffs out like I am allergic or something. My face gets redder than normal (which is sickeningly red as it is.)

All I know is I feel useless, bloated, and disgusting so I guess I know what it is like for you ladies to be on your period.

Because I feel like shit I decided to get drunk.. I ended up at the Lucky Devil.

The guy [ FARLEY] who manages the local Applebee's was there. So was the bartender who works at the Lucky Devil and Baers' Bar. Near the end of the night they both left together (but separately) like somehow we weren't supposed to figure out they were leaving together. Like for some reason we are supposed to care about their secret relationship. Ok. I guess I care enough to spread rumors they are fucking.

The only reason I bring it up is that I was hoping to "hit" the bartender and I think we can say that shit ain't gonna happen now. Also FARLEY talks a lot and TALKS VERY LOUDLY. I mean he is a nice guy and all I even sat near him so we could talk, or just so I could hear his stories (which are Ok but not that great-- he needs to really to take it down a bit- as the stories are really pedestrian and in no way match the enthusiasm he usually tells them with.) Also, the man has no VOLUME control. I should mention that Applebee's prides itself on the coldness of its tap beer. Because if I did not mention it FARLEY would have.

Well this post sucked.

I am sorry. I really can't do better, which is why I suck. And why I will die alone. Just like CAPTAIN KIRK.

Only KIRK is a fucking GOD and I am a FUCKING loser.

And you read me.



Robin Naismith Green said...

I'd get those swollen glands looked at Mister! It could be lymphoma or actually with the red face after drinking soda it could be diabetes. Try it with diet soda and see if you get the same result. Lymphoma blogs get lots of loyal readers but I'm sure that's not what would be important at that point. Isn't the goal in AMerica to be famous for being dysfunctional and to get paid for being disabled? That gravy train replaced the automobile and steel industries in the 1970s.

KELSO'S NUTS said...


I'm glad PAIN's taking care of you over our gaff. I haven't been stopping by because I'm the most pathetic creature who's existed since eels sprouted legs and crawled up onto the beach.

My life is diametric opposite of yours. I didn't grow up with anything but I have two great degrees and am a self-made wealthy man. I have a lovely bi-sexual girlfriend from Manizales who lives with me and takes wonderful care of me. And is psychotic about sex in any way one can imagine it with any type of scenario. She's bright and pretty and 37 years old which is a lovely age for a woman to be. She speaks no English which I prefer.

I have friends all over the place. I am the plurality owner of the trendiest night club en la Ciudad De Panama. I'm making money and I'll never be out of work because I'm a professional gambler and mover of money. The deeper the recession in the UNITED STATES OF HYPOCRISY gets the better off I am.

So, how come I've been the one practically on my back with chemical depression the last 4-5 weeks? If I've felt the urge to fuck 6 times over 30 days that would be a lot. And normally I've got a monster appetite for the business. I've gone stretches of 72 hours just watching television and writing up my HELL post and commenting on one or two posts elsewhere.

I know the combination of small things that set it off and I think I've got the dosage right because I feel some improvement but it will be a week or more until I'm on my feet. Just a few bits of news really. A local friend had to close his investment bank in St Louis because of the economy not mismanagement and he gets back here -- broke -- but ready to go back to running his cement and concrete business here and finds out that at 30 he's got advanced heart disease and a congenital defect. This isn't just a guy whose name I know. This is a guy I hung out with every day last year. I've been to first communions of his second cousins.

Then, my mother gets sick with pneumonia and a fractured hip and my father starts hitting the bottle and pills really hard and is over the edge with anxiety. Normally, since I was 13 years old, in this situation I'd take over and make sure everyone had what they needed and like that. My sister's too self-absorbed. But I literally cannot go back because of fucking fundamentalist Christian shitheads and I allowed myself a tiny moment of a glimmer that things would be mellower with Obama as president but from my personal perspective, they're way worse. Now, it's on record that the law's in place and whether or not it goes on, interstate and international sports and horse wagering is illegal in the US. Retroactive to 1963. Rapists have a statute of limitations. Child molesters have a statute of limitations. I wasn't breaking the law. I was gambling and I was good at it and winning and I'd be putting too much at risk to visit my son and my folks.

Then, a friend I've stayed in contact with since we were 9 years old who has a rare vascular disorder, was admitted to the hospital in Albany and he's alive but not likely to come out of the place.

In fact, I think Obama is such a grade A wanker that he seems to have gone out of his way to somehow "fuck" with every Panamanian high elected official who's attention he's drawn. My child support payments are taking two months to clear now because of Homeland Securty or whatever. So, my ex is getting on the phone and ruining every chat I have with my son. So, I stopped calling for a week and my son got angry with her because he wants to be here and she's not letting him come for his birthday and I have to wait until Purim. And I stress about him and she lives for drama.

Put it all together and color me depressed. Low seratonin and low dopamine. I take my medicine and wait.

So, what is your complaint? You're going for Joe DiMaggio's record in months without fucking a broad? That's pathetic. It really is. You could go out right now and pull a broad from any bar in your city. I would swap lives with you right now. This sex business has you all fucked up and it's not the natural order of things for it to be that way. Just like it's not the natural order of things for me to have a depressive episode. I hadn't had one in 5 years and over that time I'd been in some tight spots. Nothing really happened. I just started to dwell on things.

But pickup a girl? It's honestly the easiest thing in the world. Just go to the bar where office women hang out. Find yourself a cute woman 30-45 years old who had a pleasant disposition and whose conversation's ok at least and talk to her the way you write your blog.

I'll even give you the sure-fire way. If you're hitting on a single woman in a management position who's let's say in her mid to late 30s, this is prime. She's at her sexual peak and cool attitude peak. And she's going to have a bit of a bad-boy fetish. So, buddy, you talk and drink for a while and be yourself because you've got bad-boy in a natural vibe the way you wrire like a Russian.

You tell her that you feel like playing poker and would she come with you to the cardroom to be your "office wife?" She giggles and asks what that is and you explain that she's sort of playing the role of your wife at the card table because (this is true) if you have a nice looking woman with you and you put a bad beat on someone, he'll steam seeing you with his money and a girl and he'll tilt.

So, you play for a while see how it's going, how tough the table is and when it's time, invite her over and you'll be hitting the holy trinity hard. So hard you'll be exhausted when it's over and fall asleep.

Please, dude. Do this for Uncle Kelso while he recuperates.

Romius T. said...

Dear KELso

You magnifiecent beast you. Prey forgive the spelling as my computer can't spell check anymore.

I cannot act the way I speak online. If I did I would get ass as you say as women appreciate a man who has false bravado because all they care about is confidence and I guess that is because they lack confindence in themselves or something or maybe this is just vagina envy talking.

God forbid you would have to live out my life sir.

I am schmuck of a human who;s weaknesses are so obvious and so disgusting it would make your balls fall off.

I am always depressive, not just once every six years. my life feels like a prison sentence with out communtation. I am waitingfor death. I have no reason to live. I will proabably be dead soon from the toe nail infection I have let goa dn is slowling infecting me everywhere.

I must say something about your saga, I am sorry to hear your pains. I am sorry that any one has a wife that cares more for inflicting drama and paion than growing up her son to be a man. This is shameful.

All my family is dying, all of your friends are dying. Fuck it. We are getting so old. SO FUCKIJG old.

I am basically bald now. not just thining but BALD.

Your comments are as always more entertaining than my original post.

PLEASE pass on my EXTREME pleasure of being on the watchlist of so many over at the Brimstone. There is so much LOVE for me over THERE. I almost cannot bear it.

YOU guys are the BOMB.


I am sure I have the diabestis. as to the nodes they are not lymph nodes i think so I think I shall avoid getting them looked at. They are the nodes that tell you about sinus infections I think., which I have had for several years now and which never go away.. my doctor fucked me by prescribing wrong anti biotics ....

as you say about cancer blogs... I assume after I get diagnosed I will have tons of readers....I cant wait.....lol.-