Wednesday, January 23, 2008

I'm feeling repressed anger. My blood pressure is high. My face is blotchy. I'm having bouts of bi-polar. I'm taking charge of the universe.

But I am crying while I do dishes. And I am day dreaming while I scrub away at my bathroom tub. My girlfriend is super hot, and super nice, and super smart. I can't stop talking about her while I ring up your groceries. But my girlfriend has a bitchy mean best friend who likes to point out how my hot girlfriend is totally out of my league. She has a point. Daydream Girl Friend is out of my league. But I don't see the need for bitchy best friend to be so bitchy about it. Right to my face and all.

She tries to start trouble at a thanksgiving after meal family football game by inviting daydreams ex-boyfriend. I set up ex-boyfriend by passing on a chance to intercept a pass sailing towards him. Instead I brace myself and let him reach out to catch the ball. I stick an expertly placed elbow into his forehead and he drops like limp biscuit. The ball deflects upward and I catch it and run for an uncontested touchdown. Nobody tries to tackle me because everyone is so concerned about Ex-b/f. He stays three days in the hospital just to get sympathy from daydream.

So me and bitchy best friend have words in a bagel shop. And I call her a cunt. And she tells me that my g/f has cheated on me. Then she tells me she is "turned on" and wants to have sex with me. I tell her she just want me to say "yes" so she can run back to Daydream girlfriend and tell her "told ya so."

My daydream girlfriend is totally talented. She'd never sell out and sing teen pop crap. Even if her mullet wearing father sexually abused her. He can tell himself that she is just a performer and he's not really selling her childhood out for a chance to sell out the football stadiums he never could. But I think we all know the truth.

Bitchy best friend knocks on the door in a trench coat and tells me she is going to rape me and she does. Daydream girlfriend calls me afterwards and tells me, "she wants to get back with me."
I've got to do dishes though. I should have taken M.'s invitation to dress up in a naughty french maid's outfit for me and clean my house for 10 dollars and hour. I can afford it because my wallet is fat. 275 dollars fat. I'll be eating Manwhiches tonight. I've got a bottle of Oil of Olay for my face. Brand names, not the no-name stuff. Because you suckers can't play poker. I check raised you on the river. And you never saw it coming. But I can't spend my money on M's cleaning services, and anyway J. has asked me to stop picturing M in the French Maid outfit. So I'll save my money. I need to buy SR/22 insurance. Your government has agreed to reinstate my driving privileges. Watch out bums. I am coming after your ass.



Today at work people stink worse than me. I smell the Diaper lady all the way at the other end of the register. Somebody needs a change I think.

I have to work Customer service today. This is the second day in a row. They weren't busy early in the day, but I had 10 Western Unions before 6 pm. After 3 or 4 Western Unions you start hating the human race. After 6, you question your sanity for working. After 10 you just drift off in a psychotic state. The person at the keyboard types information and Hershel Walker like, your real personality shakes and marvels at how the typist keeps typing. "That guy is crazy." Your real personality says. "Which one of us is the real one?" Asks the the other personality.

Heck if I know.

5 comments:

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

Man, Drunken Stepfather has a brain as feverish as yours. But I doubt he's got your acute sense of smell.

Romius T. said...

I love drunken stepfather, but i hate to admit that I thought my postings on Gen Y'ers are even a bit funnier, or at least it is close, so why am I not on tv?

Who knows?

Fredrick Schwartz said...

I have no answer bro for why you aren't in the tee vee save for the fucks that run that game are way not ready for your vibe.

Second I dig your jailbait poll but I didn't know who a couple of the belle jolie femmes were so had to look up some pix. Let's just say if Friday Night Lights is still on NBC I'm watching. Hayden is legal in every state of the Union but she still has enough of that sparkle to be considered JailBait™.

Hannah or Mylie? For my mandatory 8/12 to 15 in Ossining I'm going with the alter ego with an option to have her mail me some shiv materials so I might be able to carve her initials in the neck of the first bastard that tries to violate my skinny Jew ass.

Jo Jo is cute but Giada Delaurentiis sort of therown together thin. Still cute tho.

Jaime Lynn Spears hold promise that her body conversion due to preganancy will "expand" her "horizons." And no as a journalist and a researcher I do not feel creepy at all talking about these young women like they were horses at an auction.


On to more weighty subjects . . .

I have only one thing to say about the dystopian world of retail anything. If a broad has to wear a diaper to work she needs to be either in a hospital bed or a coffin. You right to stink and or be incontinent ends at my vomero nasal organ [Google VNO in your spare time]. If something stinks in this office I have a civic right to point a firearm of employment at it and pull the trigger, firing the filthy bastadge. But on Terra sadly you have to suffer the decrepit. You need a squirt pistol full of vinegar.

Oh, in the poll I went with Teegarden, blond hair baby fat too much of a dreamboat.

DCup said...

If only I could write like this. But I have to tell you, the teeny self portrait looks enough my like oldest daughter to make me sit back in my chair and shake my head.

No. No. No. It can't be that guys are checking her out on Facebook, MySpace, whatever.

Back to blissful ignorance...

Romius T. said...

dcup

I promise to wipe the memory of your spawn from the collective imaginations of men everywhere.

Freedy,

My god man. You disgustingly gorgeous man you. I think you could have pontificated for hours on the subject of jailbait, how friggin funny!