And I have no idea if we were ever in love.
Here is the part where I dazzle you with some pop culture reference that appears to sum up my marriage in a pithy epigram. Let's say that I compared our love to that of Penny & Leonard from that sometimes funny TV show "The Big Bang."
I don't know why I referenced Big Bang. Other than the fact that I have spent my entire day off watching 22 episodes of the show in a row. Which has turned my brain into soft pudgy mess. Something resembling the consistency of a Milky Way Bar.
I don't like Milky Way Bars. I think it has to do with all the nugget. Nugget is okay. I like nugget just fine in a Snickers bar. But nugget should never be left alone. Nugget should not be the "star" of a candy bar. It has to be paired with something, otherwise the shit is too gummy.
Speaking of gummy, my legs feel weak. I think I have restless leg syndrome brought on by watching too much tv and too much computer time. I have not gotten out of bed all day other than to pee. I just sit, staring at the screen, until the images have been burned into my brain.
That and the theme song song to Big Bang.
When you watch a TV show for 11 hours you begin to notice things like how one of the characters always knocks 3 times on his neighbor's door whenever he needs to talk to her.
I know none of this has anything to do with my marriage, or my ex wife. But in reality talking about my ex wife with any degree of honesty would be a little to much info for most of you, and I don't like the idea of sharing things with you, other than under certain lighting conditions my foot appears to have early onset gangrene problems, and I know that kind of thing entertains you, because you seem like the type of people who watched ZombieLand USA on the first day that it came out.
Not me. I did not stand in line for that movie. But I did watch it. And I noticed how movies don't try to be funny anymore (just like TV shows where the male character has a hard time understanding that the woman does not get to make all the decisions in a relationship- like if you should get married.)
They just entertain you by letting you join the cool clique of kids who get all their pop references.
I'd be just like that only I tend to use the set up for things more like meta reflections, and in reality that is just about the same thing, which is the end of funny, and the apotheosis of the familiar.
Most of you who enjoy that kind of material are not old enough to to engage in nostalgia. I think it was Douglas Coupland who who first analyzed the phenomenon of Hyper Nostalgia.
If anything the hyperization of nostalgia has only increased since Coupland fist discovered it. I know my only attachment to the present is by reference to an overly glorified reflection of the past.
I guess what I mean by that is that I already miss watching the Big Bang, and I wish I did not have to go to work today, even though staring at a computer screen all day made me antsy, and disturbed my REM sleep last night by giving me restless leg syndrome.
But I'm sure that sure beats whatever life has in store for me today.