At least the masturbation is good

I have permanently damaged my brain. It's been several days since I got high and I am still suffering the effects of the intoxicants I took.  The intoxicants can kill on the first try.  I must have a death wish to try shit like that.

My brain is fucked.  I am slow and retarded now.  I barely function at work.  If I did not have 30 IQ points on the average person, I would not be able to function at all.

I won't go into what I did.  But let's just say it was stupid.  It was the stupidest thing I have ever done.

What I will tell you is that if you hoped I'd really become a serial killer (and stop fucking around with the literary pretensions of this blog) then you may be very pleased by what I have done to myself.

I have violent thoughts on occasion now.  Usually when I am masturbating.  I get very tingly all over and the high returns  with a powerful sensation whenever I think about sex.  Also whenever I touch myself.  Or whenever I see a woman in tight clothing.

I can watch VERY violent things on the internet and get very turned on now.  I mean VERY turned on.  I lose control.  I lose my voice from screaming along with at the TV or my computer monitor.

I am tingly as we speak even though it has been several days since I have had any intoxicants (other than double cheeseburgers) inside me.

I enjoy repetitive (I think it's called stereotypic behaviors.)  Grinding my teeth or tensing my body causes the euphoria to return to me.  I can taste metal on my tongue.

I have searched the internet for more information on the disturbing health effects  I have noticed.  There is virtually no information available.  This is surprising and alarming to me.  I am very good at finding things on the internet, so I know if there was more information out there I would have found it by now.

The few bits of information I have found suggest that the effects of the intoxicants I took could last days, weeks, even years.  I had no idea one simple exposure could cause such drastic health concerns to a person.

I am not stupid.  I new it was dangerous. I new I could die the first time I did it.  But I figured any drug could be used one time without long term effect.  I am wrong.

I feel high as I type.  The feeling is actually quite pleasant. I tingle and as my mouth fills with a copper taste. My penis is especially sensitive.  My masturbation sessions now run hours.  I have incredibly intense orgasms.  The strongest of my life.

I do get paranoid.  I had a bad panic attack last night.  So bad I woke a friend up and took a taxi to their apartment.  I stayed for a few hours and took another taxi home.  That is a waste of 25 dollars, but I was so scared that I actually called 9-1-1.

I hung up before they answered.  I then got a call on my cell from the Tempe Police asking if someone called them.  I lied and told them I miss dialed.  That's when I decided to call my friend.  I was sure I was going to have a heart attack.  I have a heart condition that I have been hospitalized before over and assumed my racing heart was going to spin out of control and cause me to die.

My breathing patterns are strange now.  I have trouble drawing deep breaths.  I breathe shallow.  My sense of balance (always poor) is now even worse.

The music that plays in my head is loud.  So loud that I have trouble hearing people speak to me.  I have to ask people to repeat themselves over and over again.

I am worried that I will hurt someone.

Caught up in a masturbation session I would expose my penis to passer bys.  I would think about attacking a lonely girl sitting outside my apartment.

The thought of such a girl has given rise to a great swelling of euphoria in my brain.  It makes typing difficult.  I find my head swaying back and forth.  Licking my lips, I close my eyes and give into the sensation for a minute.  Then the dark-side pulls me.  I imagine the feel of her vagina.  Her protests and screams only further my imagination.  I now know why psychopaths enjoy the protests from their victims so much.  I have never enjoyed the feeling of my penis more than stroking it to the thought of fuck punching a girl to death.

This is truly disturbing for me.

Like I said I don't think anything will happen.  I am still in control of the dark side.  Even when it pulls and I allow the feeling to come over me and I am straining with all my might and tugging at my penis with the strength of an elephant I know I am in control.  I can stop it.  I know it wrong to enjoy it. But I also know the dark side is not me.  It is just tempting me with pleasure.  But it is different.  It is brutal.  It is pure cackling evil.

But it does feel incredible. Powerful.  The sensation is unlike anything you mere mortals have experienced.  It feels God-like.

I feel god-like when I masturbate, but it is quite terrible to feel this good all the time.  The simple task of grasping a pen can send shivers down my spine. The constant surge of adrenaline wears on me.  Even pleasure after a while can hurt. Can you imagine the pleasure of almost coming dragged out over 3 to 7 hours in a day?  It can be both excruciating and wonderful at the same time.

I enjoy the sly looks of lust I see in women.


My powers of observation are improved in one area.  I can read the minds of young women when it comes to sex.  I notice when they wear short shorts and tug the seams past the  bottom of their asses.  They quickly flash skin at me under the guise of scratching an itch.  I am savvy now.  I notice cleavage and hair tosses and flickers of interest in your eyes that I have never seen before.  The rest of my brain has shut down.  But it has left open the door to allow me to concentrate on sex.

The fog in my brain is here to stay.

I am worried that it will never go away.  Yesterday was the worst/I could barely move or talk.  Today I am much better.  So much better I thought I would go drinking tomorrow.  But just before bed I decided to masturbate.  Just to test the waters.  As I suspected, the feeling came roaring back.  I began shaking, thrusting my hips.  I grabbed my penis with two hands and fucked myself raw.

I keep wanting to write this:

I woke up in the hospital.  I don't remember how I got there.

It was my last sane thought before the intoxicants over took me.  I was going to write a book.  but that dream is over.  My new dream is to be normal.  To breathe deep and not worry about irregular heart beats.

(Sometimes I have trouble finding my heart beat and that sends me into a panic/then I feel the heart beat start to race and skip and that feeds back into the panic loop.)

I'm not crazy yet.  But I wonder how long it will be before it happens.