The Self Help Guide to the Top 5 TV shows Of 2005 you did not see.

Don't tell me you're too busy to watch TV. What are you doing, saving the world? No you're not you're too busy jacking off to porn on the internet like me. Only I have a smaller penis and cum faster, and you have to "find your spot again" each time. That's why I will always have time to watch things you've never heard of.

1. It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia-from FX the good folks who brought you the Shield and Tip/Nuck. "About four people who own a bar in the titular city and somehow always wind up having comic misadventures, usually very un-PC." Funniest show on TV. Maybe. Three of the four stars actually write and direct it.
2. Starved -"about the daily lives of four friends with eating disorders who live in New York."
3. 30 days -"Capitalizing on the success of the hit documentary Super Size Me, creator Morgan Spurlock launched a new series, 30 Days, on FX . The series puts its subjects in situations uncomfortable to them for 30 days, such as making millionaires work for minimum wage, and having Christians live in a Muslim community."My fave show on TV other than Frontline.
4. Invasion- Some people think this is just a cheap rip off of Lost. But it's more like the last few episodes of X-files. It will infuriate you by withholding details of a conspiracy that we already aware of. But we love it anyways.
5. How I Met Your Mother-Good cast. This show has more potential than most of your run of the mill network comedies simply because you like the characters.They should hire some funny writers soon.

Sources: Wikpedia and FX

I was eating a cookie when I read this.

Dead Enough?: The Paradox of Brain Death

"I have to admit that despite all I know about brain death, I still have my moments of uncertainty. More than once, when I have pulled my scalpel across the warm, pliable skin of a donor and seen the exuberant reds of well-oxygenated bleeding, my mother's old nagging doubts have insinuated themselves into my forebrain. I have found myself thinking about the donors' lives and asking the nurses who have met their families what they were like.

As I push aside the still contracting intestines and inadvertently brush my hands against the remnants of the previous day's meal within, I cannot help but think about that last meal and whether the donors and the people they were with had any inkling of the near future.

More than once, as I have procured organs, I have had my doubts. But it was not that, like my mother, I was afraid that these donors were not dead enough; it was that I regretted having to keep them so alive."

Speaking of warm gooey cookies:

"The National Security Agency's Internet site has been placing files on visitors' computers that can track their Web surfing activity despite strict federal rules banning most of them."

The Self Help Guide to the 2 Most Underated Cars in History.

This is my personal list of the "coolest cars" that would not make it only any official ranking. I have chosen cars based on "affordable" coolness.

1. The El Camino-part car, part pickup. Before there were SUV's or minivans or hybrids, Chevy produced what can only be described as the greatest American car ever made.
2. The Mercury Capri --5.o power, like a mustang for hillbillies.

The Self Help Guide to cereal. Batman cereal.

THE PRODUCT: THE BATMAN CEREAL

THE COST: 99 cents

WAS IT WORTH IT? you'd have to be pretty shitty cereal not to be worth 99 cents

RATING: * 1/2 stars

Review: Post's attempt at a marshmallow cereal shows it's not as easy as Lucky charms and Count Chocula make it appear. Count Chocula is my favorite cereal so when I saw the sale for Batman Cereal I had to try it.

The best thing going for this cereal is the cocaoa flavored "cereal" part. The marshmallow's really disapoint. There are not in the shape of bats, but tiny round pellets. The cereal never gets soggy, but there is not enough marshmallow for flavor. Post doesn't get that kids want marshmallowes in a marshmallow cereal.

I could not find a pic of The Batman Cereal and had to settle for this Batman returns version. The limited version "the batman cereal" is a take off of the animated series I believe, not the recent movie. If you have to pay full price for it forget it, but at 99 cents the kids could be fooled into thinking you care about their taste buds.

Merry X-Mas

Here is a blast from the past on Santa Claws.

When you finally make it back to the parking lot you are clapp, clapp, clapping. Clapping like a three year old, who has just been told that cookies are for dinner and cake is for dessert. A three year old who still believes in Santa, never mind that the fat, jolly, old elf with his swarmy fucking Norwegian smile won't be sharing his cookies , won't be sharing his milk.Never mind the 10 inch butcher's knife protruding from Santa's sack that he's been saving for daddy. Never mind Santa chopping into daddy's neck and storing daddy's blood in stockings designed especially for all the bad boys like your brother Sammy.

Mean old Sammy who likes to hold your face in the mudd till your just about to breathe."Don't worry" Santa says. "I take care of puckers like him. I cut off their balls and then I serve them raw to little girls like you . I call them cherry bombers . Now , just swallow it down with one big gulp like a good girl , till it pops out yo ass and grows a bush in that filth you forget to wipe away each morning."

A bush your Uncle Billy would sure like to stick his fingers into. Unlike stickin' it to your Aunty Ann who hasn't had his attention since you were born , and who's been too busy to notice you. Too busy arguing with Oprah, too busy fingering her crotch with her newest toy. Toys you won't be getting for some time. Toys you wouldn't be caught dead playing with.Instead you'll just feel the vomit bulging in your neck ,ready to explode, to burst forth with a comedic force , showering old Santa in a prism hue of pink and chunky. You feel so lightheaded , dizzy. And the stifling bark of Effexor is pulsing in your head. You can feel the neurotransmitters ping ponging back and forth in your skull. You can taste the bile in the back of your throat and you can barely swallow.

You can look up at Santa with your child like eyes. Those precious kitten like eyes peering up with innocence, you can do all that while staring at the plate of missing cookies you were promised for dinner. You can glance side ways down the hall into the bedroom that Momma once shared with Poppa.

You can almost feel the heat from his released blood spilling out into space.The laws of thermodynamics then take over , and you can rest assured that whatever warmth Poppa once gave to you, he is now sharing with the whole universe. A cold universe made only a smidgen warmer by the lactose intolerant carcass that now rests at just the paticular angle needed to provide a backside view of your father's ass.

An ass covered with ingrown hairs protruding forward with a vulgar urbanity, spewing forth carbuncles of puss that wait to be popped like Britney Spears vulva on a Florida trailer park restroom floor. A floor covered in the grime of white trash piss and stink ,the piss and stink of men who don't care where they piss, or what they piss on. Men who know that no one else cares where they piss or what they they piss on."Stop staring at your father's arse you little whore."

Who knew a fucking Norwegian saint could speak in a British accent, and a lower Cadsden accent at that.

The Self Help Guide to finding something nice to say.

Even if it's about Osama Bin Laden. Let's see..

1. He's no friend to the infedel.
2. He's kick ass RICH
3. He's Tall (girls are you listening?)

But most imporatanly his niece is fucking HOT!!!

Read about her "music" career here.

Source: Sploid

MY HERO Paul Lafargue-friend to the lazy, and working class hero.

On behalf of all those hidden commies out there:

" Paul Lafargue produced a pamphlet titled The Right to Be Lazy. Like most of his 19th century contemporary activists, he condemned the twelve-to-fourteen-hour factory workday, but unlike his father-in-law [Karl Marx], he didn't just critique the conditions of labor--he went after labor itself. "In capitalist society," he wrote, "work is the cause of all intellectual degeneracy, of all organic deformity."

" Lafargue dismissed the "right to work" that other socialists demanded. He asked, instead, for the right to lie around on the daybed, the right to read and to nap, the right to feast and to make love. He declared the right to endless leisure."

Go here for the rest of the article.

Source http://aldaily.com/

Change my name..change my name (in the sing song of say my name.)

I am thinking about changing the name of this here blog. Ever since I was fired I really don't have a reason to keep calling this the "Self Help Center." But I damn sure don't wanna lose my 5 point google page ranking.

Any Ideas?

BBC NEWS | UK | Singapore to partly lift gum ban

BBC NEWS UK Singapore to partly lift gum ban:

"Singapore is preparing to partially lift its famous ban on chewing gum - in order to comply with a free trade agreement with the United States.

But only gum aimed at helping smokers to quit will be allowed when the new rules come into effect on Thursday.

The penalty for smuggling gum into the country is one year in jail, and a 10,000 Singapore dollar ($5,500) fine."

Wired News: Testing Drugs on India's Poor

Wired News: Testing Drugs on India's Poor

Pick me up a new lung while your at it.

Big brain means small testes, finds bat study.

Need I say more? This just goes to show why my brain is so small. Thanks SCI TECH.

A blog is suppposed to have links and commentary.

According to the Gothamist I am not allowed to call this a "blog" if I don't follow the rules. So I guess I better start "linking" more and then commenting. I already have a hard enough time trying not to sound like I "associate with 16 year old girls, writing in bad grammar on Live Journal."

I think I am far more cultured than that, more like say 21 year olds who use spell check.

You should read the following every morning:

1. Arts and Letters Daily
2. Salon

Then you'll be as smart as me. But since you don't I will continue to steal posts from them and call them my own.

I once fucked Lindsay Lohan in the back of an El Camino.

She made me wear a Wilmer Valderamma mask, it was kinda humiliating. I have one of those portable DVD players and she insisted we had to have That 70's show reruns on in the back ground.

I am not the only person perplexed by Lindsay's crush on WV the folks over at The Superficial are simply terrified of Wilmer "He is obviously some sort of alien and/or demigod, because there's no other explanation for his Sauron-like hold over hollywood starlets. I'd like to ascribe Lohan's ongoing obsession with him to either 1) a bad father, 2) drugs, or 3) general whorishness, but can't. This whole thing is like an episode of the X-files. I just hope Lindsay figures it out before she ends up in a space-pod on Rigel-7."

Couldn't agree more.

P.s. I am totally buying another El Camino with my student loans this year. Thanks, Uncle Sam!

If you missed it.

I was quite incredible at Fat Cat's on the birthday. I gave a rousing rendition of Gloria by Laura Branigan. Think Bill Shatner meets the announcer to Saturday Night Live. Standing "O" from the audience.

I also ignored my friends and made out all night with my on again off again, was there really a relationship thingy kinda girlfriend (I am not his girlfirend-she will say if you ask her). Everyone was pretty pissed when she did not put out. Quote "You wilt like a flower around her."

Ok, maybe, but seriously that may be the gayest way of saying I was a pussy ever. Way gayer than watching Knotts Landing

I know FoxxxyLove felt ignored, but foxxxy always feels ignored when every ounce of attention I can muster is not placed on her. I will buy a Coach Bag for you for your birthday. I believe Bill Parcells has a great new line.

There was even a FRO sighting at the local I-hop. I stayed up till 7am watching Kill Bill 2.

.

Does watching the Knots Landing reunion show make me gay?

For those of you who were old enough to get my reference then you realize that watching a reunion show about a spin off of Dallas means I shuold be at least question my maniliness.

For the others, those of you who surf the net, your probably wondering just what the hell Dallas is (does he mean the city?)

I think it was just the fact that I cried three times during the reunion (Val and Garry have a such a real chemistry) that worries me. Maybe I should just get back on Prozac.

Oh hell Abby was such a bitch, but damn she looked good.

Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez, hero to the working poor.

Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez, will bring 12 million discounted gallons to needy families in Massachusetts. Citgo, owned by Venezuela, is selling the oil 60 to 80 cents gallons less than the market rate to needy families.

Regarding the acknowledged animosity between President George W. Bush and Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez, it was insisted that the day was not about political "one ups-man-ship." "This, today, is about people. It is not about politics."

Sadly, it takes a pinko commie from another country to help the working poor with gas prices in America.

The article is here. Thanks, Sploid.

Raising the minimuim wage did not hurt the economy in Florida.

Before last year's elections,( on a a political action committee backed by the likes of Publix Super Markets and Outback Steakhouse had some hair-raising predictions about the effect of bumping up the minimum wage.

Thousands of jobs would be lost if voters increased the state's rock-bottom wage to $6.15 from $5.15, said one e-mail sent out by the Coalition to Save Florida Jobs.
Jobs would be outsourced overseas, the e-mail said. Even companies that paid above the minimum wage would be forced to raise pay for everyone, said retailers and restaurants that opposed the amendment.

Today, though, it's hard to find much wreckage in the Florida retailing and restaurant industries, the two groups that bankrolled the Coalition to Save Florida Jobs.

Seventy-one percent of Florida voters passed the increase, and since the new minimum wage was implemented in May, retail stores and restaurants have added tens of thousands of employees.

How to piss Maddox off.

Piss off Maddox by practicing "random" moments of surrealism in your life.

Lesson number one..watch the movie Spanglish on the Spanish SAP audio channel or HBO Spanish. Try it. It's fun.

(Maddox once wrote apeice on how people think they are funny if they blurt out random shit. Since that's my whole act I kinda got pissed for him calling me out on that. now that I have had to explain an inside joke that was shared by me only, "I hope you get the joke.")

Peter Gallagher Sings

Crimes against humanity. That was my first impression when I heard film and television star Peter Gallagher sing. Apparently after a performance on his TV show the O.C. someone got the idea that subjecting the world to the "vocal stylings" of Pete would equip Al Qaeda with a destructive bomb more powerful that an atomic weapon. They were right.

For the love of god, some one put him out of his misery. A rabid dog in this country would receive more care and protection.

People from Kansas are stupidier than me.

Always the glutton for punishment Kansas recently turned back science to the 18th century in a tit for tat "no I really am that stupid" voting sequence the Three Stooges would have been proud of.

"For the third time in six years the Kansas school board has rewritten standards with evolution as the central issue."

The effects of this strange new ruling will be felt through out the community by scientists, doctors and of course barbers.

"We find leeches to be effective for the treatment of cancer and sour stomach." Said one barber from Supercuts.

"Actually we prefer hair stylist now." I was corrected by the comely young lass who had her hands drenched in a bucket of blood.

"Doctors won't be allowed to practice medicines anymore, so I have to start practicing with these." She explained while holding up a squishy pair of leeches and eels.

In addition, the board rewrote the definition of science, so that it is no longer limited to the search for natural explanations of phenomena.

"I liked that part the best." replied god when he was asked how he felt about the changes. But when asked for his/her response Krishna wasn't so sure "It seems to me that religion and science shouldn't be separated, that's what the Vedic literature teaches."

"I thought we killed that pagan idol a long time ago." A reflective god mused regarding his lack of influence on the billion or so Hindus who have failed to master the antinomies of monotheism and the trinity.
"At least I got me some republicans in Kansas."

The Self Help of Insanity and Marriage.

In my former life as a library assistant* I was continually asked to find reference materials on the requirements for marriage and the conditions needed for an annulment. One of the ways I discovered that you can sneak out of a marriage was to have one of the parties labeled "insane."

In addition one of Arizona's statutes explicitly states "a first cousins may marry if both are sixty-five years of age or older or if one or both first cousins are under sixty-five years of age, upon approval of any superior court judge in the state if proof has been presented to the judge that one of the cousins is unable to reproduce." Nice to know sterilization is still offered for those "deviants" who would like to marry, but do not want to place an undue burden on the state welfare system.

Not knowing the history of proscribable marriages I thought it was kinda goofy, but harmless. As I am now in the middle of reading Edwin Black's War Against the Weak a book which details the crimes of Eugenics here in America, my opinion has been considerably altered.

The book describes in detail "how by identifying so-called "defectives" (many so called feeble-minded, insane, and epileptics) were subjected "to a legislated segregation and sterilization program" which deprived thousands of the natural rights to be married and to procreate.

According to the book, the history of prohibited marriages in America has more to do with racial discrimination and upperclass dominance, than the thinly disguised excuses of hygiene. The key decision was Buck vs. Bell (for all my law friends) which opened the floodgates that eventually allowed the government to systematically sterilize and castrate some 30,000 people. A total of at least 60,000 between the years of 1890 and 1940.

It was easy and not unusual to label "promiscuous women" as feebleminded. Not that it took much (shockingly little) to label women as promiscuous or prostitutes back then. I must note that this website has in many ways insulted the lower class, promiscuous women, defectives and deviants, so my outrage may come as a surprise to any remaining long time readers.

But I suggest, there is a bit of difference between my sarcasms and intentional use of satire in contradistinction to members of the legislature who actively cut off people's balls. I prefer the old fashioned method of ridicule. Sticks and stones do the breaking of bones.

*I would like it noted that I am not a lawyer and any use or misuse of the materials (which are given for entertainment purposes only) that you view on this site is at your own risk. I cannot expect or even hope to have all the lawyers who read this dribble rescue me with correct legal advice. Anyways I am not in the business of engaging in the unauthorized practice of law. That would be wrong, plus the state no longer pays me to give out poor legal advice.

If you are not married and have not established paternity who am I to tell you to grab the Packet for Paternity plus custody?

Happy November!!

Why is November such a great month? Well of course there is my upcoming B-day. Have you thought about what you are getting me for my birthday? Remember I have expensive taste. I will be turning the big Three-five. I am older than Jesus.

November 29, is also the premier of the second season of the Gastineau Girls.

How much more excitement can you get?

What the internet is for.

The internets are for people without a face for television, the voice for radio, or the writing ability of journalists from the Weekly News.

I fit right in.

Fat has a taste.

"In experiments with rodents, French scientists identified a receptor on the tongue that appears to detect dietary fat. This counters the traditional view that the taste buds pick up only five basic flavors: sweet, sour, salty, bitter and "umami," -- a flavor associated with the food additive monosodium glutamate (MSG)."

I know most of my friends thought I made up the "umami" spice so here is the proof that I did not. Now I know why I am gonna keep getting fat, it's just my tongue's fault. I may go home and rip it out.

"The fact that the tongue harbors receptors for fatty acids could shed new light on appetite control and obesity, according to the researchers, led by Philippe Besnard of the University of Bourgogne."

Bloggers without borders.

Tips regarding staying anonymous on the blogosphere. Handy little ditty that might have prevented yours truly from getting fired.

Here's another tip, don't use company e-mail to send links to your blog. Get used to it, we live in the Surveillance Society.

Why the Future should scare you.

You can read the last two reasons why the future should worry you here at my great blog Bathos for the Misanthropic.

1. Cyborgs
2. mad cow disease
3. the end of men/genetic manipulation/the new eugenics
4. chimeras or hybrids
5. supercomputers

I am not getting any money for this...but...

Will someone please tell Howard Stern about Cottenelle's? He goes on and on about having to wet down tissues, when there is a much better alternative. By the way if any of you are not using this product it will change your life.

Just do an experiment (what can I say I live for empiricism) wipe your ass one day regular style. Then use the cottenelle. If you have anything left your not alone, so go buy it. This is the 21 st century it's about time we have toilet paper that befits this period of invention. We no longer torture people who eat crackers , we should no longer use toilet paper invented when the Sun revolved around the Earth.

Katrina evacuees using federal assistance money are living the high life with alcohol and strippers

Katrina evacuees using federal assistance money are living the high life with alcohol and strippers.

The newspaper's investigation recorded "a virtual parade of evacuees from a bus stop in the Wal-Mart parking lot in Falmouth to nearby liquor stores. "Some emerged and openly swilled from brown-bagged containers, while others poured booze into jugs or plastic cups and casually sipped drinks at the Wal-Mart bus stop."

At a Mashpee strip club, a dancer named Angel told the newspaper she had done several lap dances for evacuees, who tipped her $5 each time

They say you get 3 million dollar ideas a year. "A friend of mine" came up with his soon after reading that story. "Go to the Astrodome and sell rims." ( I likes me the spinning kind.) He says. "You could make a fortune."

"2000 dollar debit cards can get you some fancy ass rims and a nice healthy profit margin." Not that I support that "friend" I think he's a racist ass-hole. He then suggested opening a Popeyes franchise near the Dome if there isn't one.

I am gonna getr around to publishing something soon.

In the mean time How 'bout them COWBOYS? Eagles Suck.

Judge: School Pledge Is Unconstitutional -

Judge: School Pledge Is Unconstitutional - Yahoo! News: "The case was brought by the same atheist whose previous battle against the words 'under God' was rejected last year by the Supreme Court on procedural grounds.
U.S. District Judge Lawrence Karlton ruled that the pledge's reference to one nation 'under God' violates school children's right to be 'free from a coercive requirement to affirm God.'"

Oh thank God, er...I mean..